Home. I think I've finally achieved it. I think one of the hardest parts of this last break-up (major one) was that I lost that sense of home because the family aspect was gone. No little footsteps running around, no having to beg him to wake up to eat Sunday breakfast, no complaining about laundry on the bathroom floor. After the split I moved all my crap into my friends place. Sure, there was all the material things that made up that previous said home...the decorations, pictures, furniture...but it just didn't feel like home.
After about six months of that I actually moved "home". Back in with my Mom. I even had my own room and got to fill it with my own stuff whereas before, all my stuff was in storage and I was pretty much a guest. Sure I was home and I loved the opportunities I got by living there. I travelled a ton this summer. I gained some experiences that I'll NEVER forget. Seeing Kings of Leon live(!!!!!!), watching a baseball game in one of the most gorgeous tunderstorms/staduims ever, getting lost in the state of Colorado because we were too drunk to use our GPS, staying in a disgusting hotel in Vegas, eating breakfast on the beach, met some guys that will forever remain in my heart, I could go on for days. But at the end of the day, it still just wasn't home.
So, I lived somewhere having all my possessions and it didn't feel like home. I moved to the actual place I consider home, didn't feel like home. What's a girl to do? I got a place of my own, had that someone to fall asleep next to almost every night, cook dinner for, cuddle up next to on the couch, but what do you know?! Still didn't feel like home. You know why? Because it wasn't love. That someone has now been out of the picture for almost a month. I knew going in that it would be nothing, just something out of convienience. Does it make it better? No. Do I still think about him? Of course. Do I still wake up and check my phone praying that he's text or called me? Sure. But I think that's a part of being human. It's given me time to re-set my priorities, have some alone time, and make my place my own.
I wrapped presents the other night while having to stop and entertain Sailor by throwing his ball that he kept "accidentally" dropping off the bed. After placing all the presents under the tree I took a look around and realized for the first time, I'm home! I don't know if it was because of Christams or because I got to cook my traditional breakfast for not a man but my best friend Candace last weekend or having company all weekend but I finally feel at home after over a year and you know what?! It's about time and I'm SO happy!!
