Thursday, June 24, 2010

Short and sweet

I love google analytics.


That is all.

because nobody here knows when to stop

You guys, I. Am. In. Love. I've waited so long for this moment and it's finally happened. Not with one man but with five. I'm from Utah. That's just what we do.

No but seriously, Minus The Bear's new album titled Omni shall be my summer soundtrack. I loved Minus The Bear before this album but I love every single song on this album. I haven't been able to stop listening and I don't anticipate me stopping anytime soon.

I can't even decide which song is my favorite. Here are a couple.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Damn you George Michael!!

I know I've briefly touched on the subject of my father and I, but I feel like with Father's Day coming up and all, a post is due. This whole post comes at an odd time actually. Two other blogs I follow have touched on this subject recently and also I've been hanging out with my half brother (who looks just like my dad) a lot. I guess this is my "tribute" to the man I called "daddy" as a child. This is probably my most vulnerable post.

I remember the day my parents told me they were getting divorced like it was yesterday. Actually, I remember that day better than I remember yesterday. I was at my friend Frankie's house playing. She had the life I envied. Every toy imaginable, a mom who whore polyester pants with matching plaid shirts (I think that warrants a whole post of it's own), and a birthmark right in the middle of her forehead. We were the best of friends and I spent a ton of time at her house. When my dad came to pick me up I did the usual "please daddy, can I stay just a little bit longer? p-p-p-lease?" plead and as always I was told no but this time was different. This time I didn't argue because I felt the pain in his voice. Something was going on. Even at 6 years old I could feel it. I grabbed my stuff and got in the car. We had a silent ride home.

I walked into our house and my baby sister wasn't there. By baby I mean she was 2. She's still a baby to me at 22. My mom had just gotten out of the shower and was in a robe with her hair in a towel. They both sat me down and told me what was going to happen. Without skipping a beat I said ok and started for the door. I just wanted to be alone in my room. They were both crying and it was so uncomfortable. If they were both crying, why were they doing this? "Where are you going?" my dad asked. I replied that I just wanted to go to my room but was forced back to sitting in the middle of them on their bed. It was probably the most awkward moment of my life.

The next few months were a shit show. I met my dads new girlfriend with her huge ass hair and 80's attire. She had a son a year younger than me who was ok. We played Nintendo's track game and actually were neck and neck the whole time. Ok, so I have a brother now. My sister, mom and I moved around quite a bit trying to find our "niche". Only months later my dad got re-married while Kylee and I were conveniently out of town. I remember being so pissed that he didn't want us to be a part of that. After that we probably saw our dad 3 times a year. I tried to understand. I mean, his new son had soccer practice, extra-curricular classes because he was some sort of genius and eye appointments because Einstein was apparently blind.

Meanwhile, my life consisted of making sure Kylee was up, fed, and ready for school along with coffee being ready and my mom being awake for when it was time for her to drive us to school. I took it upon myself to assume the role as mother. My mom had a business to run along with a job on the side to make extra money. She was exhausted with trying to be Super Woman for her girls so I tried helping as much as I could.

Every time my dad would call, all he'd brag about was my step-brother and what he was doing and how life was in the city, blah, blah, blah. I think this is where I started to resent him. I realized that he left the family he started to be involved with another one. I was always a daddy's girl growing up so I still held on to that fact. I was always out in the carport with him while he worked on his cars asking questions and trying to figure out what he was doing so I could be closer to him. Sitting on that milk crate in his green Dodge Dart while we took it for a test drive will forever be my favorite memory but after he left, it was never the same.

When I moved up to Salt Lake we became closer. My apartment was 3 blocks away from his work. I'd walk down and we'd have lunch. He'd talk to me about his life and how unhappy he was. How he had made a mistake but felt like he couldn't leave because there was no way he'd go through another divorce. I'd plead and beg and promise that I'd do whatever it took to help him. I'd move in with him, cook, clean, do laundry, whatever it took but it always ended the same. He wasn't leaving.

Once I was engaged I felt like it was appropriate to become closer to my father because with marriage usually comes children. I wanted him to be part of it all. Him and his wife would come over for BBQs and we'd drink, laugh, and be merry but there was always something Finally I asked if they'd both come over and talk to me and just get everything out in the open so we could get over it all and be open and happy. Let me just say, that day was the biggest display of deceit and betrayal in a marriage that I have ever seen. It basically came down to everybody just wiping the slate clean.

I tried. I really tried but I couldn't do it. When I'd call my dad, I'd have to coach myself for at least 30 minutes just to do it and it would usually end in tears. I sat there while my fiance and little step-daughter would console me and as I looked at her little face seeing me crying, it hit me. She is probably so hurt by seeing me cry as I was that day my parents told me they were splitting up. It was her little face that made me decide I wasn't going to let him have this effect on me.

We talked a few more times and I asked what I could to to fix things between everyone. I was willing to do anything. His only reply was that he thought that there had been too many hurt feelings and that it was basically a lost cause. He had thrown in the towel. What other choice did I have?

My Gramoo will still take little jabs thinking that will persuade me into calling him but the answer is always the same. I've done everything I can. I've swallowed my pride, I've forgotten how he's treated me, my sister, and my mother, what else can I do?

Whenever I hear the following song, I always imagine that it's how my dad felt when he left. Maybe it's true and maybe it's not. Either way, I'm not bitter towards my dad. Maybe I could (or should) be but I have to believe he's always had the best of intentions. Who knows. That wasn't a question.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Something 'bout the country

I grew up in a small town in Eastern Utah surrounded by plateaus and cow pies. I lived on the Old Wellington Road. Twice a year I'd get woken up around 5 AM by a cropper dusting the corn field right across the road from the double wide I lived in. This sounds like a movie but it's my reality.

Growing up I was SO embarrassed that I lived in a double wide. I did all I could to prevent new people from knowing where I lived because I hated it so much. Even when I moved to the city, I never intended on bringing anyone home in fear of having to pull up to that house. I'm a literal red neck and I live in a double wide. Please shoot me now.  

Now that I'm older I have no reservations about what it was. We had a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs (regardless if they were a few sizes too big), and got to travel so much when we were kids.  If I were my Mom at my age I'd have an 8 year old, a 4 year old, and own my own business out of my house that I started and ran by myself. Wow. All I have is a 6 year old dog with a constipation problem. Thank you Mom! You rock.

Something that I've always thought was funny is that everyone always wanted to hang out at my house growing up. I could never understand why. I didn't have a trampoline, I didn't have the newest video game technology, I didn't have fancy things or clothes. I'm pretty sure my sister and I had more generic things than name brand. We even had the generic Aladdin movie which is even better than Disney's version. Suck it Walt. But for whatever reason, people flocked to our house. People have told me because it just felt like home which I can understand. My mom had a way of decorating things to where it just felt like...home. There really isn't another word. Hopefully I adopted that trait from her and my kids will have the same experience.

When I moved to the city, I thought I'd never look back. Never again would I have to slow down to 15 MPH to wait to get around a tractor taking up my side of the road. Never again would I have to worry that the biggest thing happening in town was the county fair or International Days. I was moving to the city and something big would be happening all the time!

Now that I've been gone for 8+ years, to be honest, I miss it. I don't miss the town I grew up in. I probably could never settle down there because of all the drama and gossip but another small town? Even the one where my grandparents still reside, I could see myself buying a house there and settling for a slower life style someday. Maybe not today, next year, or even the next 10 years but damn it, there's just something 'bout a small town. Boys are truly raised as men, people may be nosey but they're real, and the scenery is to die for. You can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Pump up the volume

Remember when you have an idea that you are questioning and that little voice in your head says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yeah. I'm going to start listening.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I love the way you love, but I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back.

There's been a skeleton from my closet literally sharing my closet for the past few days. I haven't especially liked it but I haven't especially hated it either. The fact that he's here is actually sort of a victory of sorts. See, we had a somewhat rocky relationship. The first 6 months were great. I still look back on them and can feel the butterflies....then he proposed and that put a whole new light on the "relationshit". I was 22 years old. Was I ready to be the step-mother to a 3 year old? (You guys have NO IDEA about how out of control this little girl was) The answer to that question is hells to the no. Was I ready to deal with having an ex there for at least the next 15 years? Maybe. If she could have acted like an adult about the whole situation but was she? Again, hells to the no.

Truth is, with this skeleton sharing my same space again, it just justifies the reason we aren't together. I can't even imagine being his friend that I hang out with on the regular let alone his girlfriend. Not that I don't care about him or anything. It sounds really harsh but I can hardly stand him to be honest. Let me explain. I come home and open my freezer looking for something to make for dinner and what do I find? VEGAN BURGERS. I have nothing against Vegans or their burgers. I have something against him eating Vegan burgers (I keep typing Vegas instead of Vegan. Ha!) . This is the same dude who sat across the table from me while eating a medium rare steak weekly asking me how people could not eat meat while we were together.

Another example, his attitude. HE IS SO NEGATIVE AND ANGRY! When I first met him, he was so easy going. The man sported mostly Hawaiian shirts and flip flops ok? That's probably how we stayed together for so long. He had to be that way to handle me. He was so passive with everything. His attitude was just so awesome and positive. He hardly let anything get him down. Now?! Wow. He works the door at a bar just for the chance to kick someones ass for getting out of line. I'm all for testosterone but buddy, you need help when you are riding your skateboard down the street and jump somebody in a car. Just sayin'.

Why is he here you ask? Basically, he called me out of the blue and needed a place to crash....the same damn day I sold my couch. (Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?) I couldn't just say no so now he's here. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get about the situation. Would he do the same for me if the tables were turned? Probably not. But that is not what life is about. If I got half out of what I've given to people, I'd be one lucky lady. All I can think is that one day, karma is going to pay me back ten fold and I'll be the happiest girl alive. In the meantime, I'll just live life by turning the other cheek and holding out for what the universe will bring me.

Where is this victory I spoke of you ask? It's the fact that he told me we couldn't communicate, see each other, etc. because he was moving on. Fair enough. Let's move on. What did I do? I moved on. I moved a few times actually. How is it that he is now back at my door step? Guess it turns out I wasn't that evil person after all and I knew what I was talking about all along, didn't I? The good thing is we are on opposite schedules. When I'm waking up to get ready, he's getting off work to sleep and when he's leaving for the day, I'm coming home so I hardly see him. Except for all his shit that he leaves everywhere. When did he become such a dirtbag? Ugh.

One thing I can thank this said skeleton for is knowing that I can truly love. Love is being able to care about someone so much that you'd rather see them with someone other than you if that person is happier. That's totally how it is. In fact, this morning while I was brushing my teeth I tried thinking if there was someone I knew that would pair well with him.....but then I realized I couldn't subject anyone to his hot mess right now. You're welcome, Ladies. ;)

It was a toss up between which songs explained my feelings so I'll just post them both.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Weekend with the Gays

This weekend marked the good ole annual Pride weekend in the SL,UT. I can't believe it came so fast and yet, last year seems so far away. I don't know how but every year I've attended, I've managed to get retardedly intoxicated.

Last year, Christina and I went and ended up leaving early to paint her kitchen. It was a lime-ish green. It sounds ugly typing it but we actually did an amazing job and it fit the kitchen perfectly. Knotty alder and lime-ish green are a great match in case you were ever contemplating that color palate.

The year before that I got in a literal pizza fight with my boyfriend in his car. Not like the cutesy "oh let me rub pizza in your face and kiss it off." It was more like "I hope a piece of pepperoni lands in your esophagus causing you to quit breathing and you choke out and die right here in front of my house." We ended up finding pizza particles in his dashboard for the next few months. I thought it was hysterical but not many shared the humor. Seriously, if you could have seen the Seagulls the next morning...there are no words. Priceless. I still laugh out loud (NO LOL is not appropriate) just thinking about it.

Oh Pride. To so many it means seeing drag queens (shudder) and dudes in speedos squat thrusting. To me, it means so much more. I don't even think I've put as much thought into it as I have this year. To me it means equality. Not just for gays, lesbians, and transgendered people but for everybody. I honestly don't understand those who oppose to somebody else's sexual preference. What difference would it make? I don't know about you but I would much rather be with somebody who actually wanted to be with me instead of someone who felt obligated to be with me for religious reasons, race, sex, etc.

This year I walked down and met my sister and her girlfriend and had our little brother meet us as well. We sat on the grass and just talked, laughed, and drank. I loved watching people of all different shapes, sizes, colors, and beliefs coming together to celebrate. The greatest thing was seeing the families that were there. I had a great time and guess what? I wasn't a shit show.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

And I would walk 500 miles...

Hey Kids,

My good friend Christina sent me this email today and I'm feeling pretty passionate about it. So passionate that I wanted to share with you guys. I know this economy is sucky and all but any little bit helps. She's only trying to raise $300 but I think we can do better, especially for a cause such as this. Here's what she sent:

Dear Family and Friends,

I have recently registered to ride the MS Best Dam Bike Ride. It's a ride from Pewaukee to Whitewater to Madison, Wisconsin. I will be riding 100 miles each day for two days to support the fight against Multiple Sclerosis. I have a couple friends my age who have this disease and am trying to do my part to support the fight against it. I would appreciate your support no matter how small it may be. Please take the time to read through this email. I appreciate your time.


Every hour of every day, someone is diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). That's why I registered for Bike MS: Best Dam Bike Ride, and why I'm asking you to support my fund raising efforts with a tax-deductible donation.

The National Multiple Sclerosis Society - Wisconsin Chapter is dedicated to a world free of MS, but they can't do it without our help. It's faster and easier than ever to support this cause that's so important to me. Simply click on the link at the bottom of this message. If you prefer, you can send your contribution to the address listed below.

Any amount, great or small, helps to make a difference in the lives of people with MS. I appreciate your support and look forward to letting you know how I do.

P.S. If you would like more information about the National Multiple Sclerosis Society - Wisconsin Chapter, how proceeds from the Bike MS: Best Dam Bike Ride are used, or the other ways you can get involved, please visit

To mail a donation: Make all checks payable to: National MS Society. You can send your check to me at: 1152 W Newport Ave. Garden Unit. Chicago, Il 60657 or directly to the National MS Society with my name attached:

National MS Society - Wisconsin Chapter
1120 James Dr.
Hartland, WI 53029
To donate online visit my page:

Click here to visit my personal page.

If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:

Donations equal good karma. Now GO!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Singin' Sweet Songs

This weekend all the little baby birdies had flight lessons in my back yard. It was so cute. Aside from the fact that my dog was in murder mode, I had a good time just watching. (I have pictures of Sailor that I'll post later.)It reminded me of a story and I'm so glad it did. I needed this story.

Last year around this same time, my life read something out of an entry in Texts From Last Night. Not that I don't read it now and chuckle because I can relate but last I'm almost ashamed, almost being the key word there. I was nicknamed Captain of the S.S. Shit Show if that gives you any idea how my summer went. I was completely in love with a guy I was convinced was my destiny, on total diet mode but still allowing calories for alcohol (priorities), and just trying to figure out what the fuck I wanted and who I was. Don't get me wrong, I'm still trying to figure that all out but it just seemed so much worse then. I felt so lost and so alone even though I constantly had somebody around.

I thought it would be a good idea to move in with a friend even though I knew it would be a disaster. I had a blast but the whole thing lasted a good 6 months, just like I knew it would. We ended our cohabitation in a somewhat civil manner...if you count me being a stubborn betty and calling movers to move me out two days after we fought about a couch civil but that is besides the point.

I decided to move back in with my Mom so that I could get out of debt and start saving for a house. I hated the thought of even going back. Here I was, 26 years old and moving back in with my mother. How pathetic is that? The day I moved back in I decided I was going to go out. I was getting ready when all of a sudden, my dog was in hunt mode. He's part terrier so he is quite the little go-getter. I couldn't figure out what he was freaking out about. All of a sudden I heard this scratching behind the dryer. "What in the hell?", I asked myself. Sure as shit, there was a little baby bird behind the dryer. I got some gloves on, grabbed a bucket and rounded the little bird into the bucket and went and put him outside. How the hell a baby bird got in the house, I had no clue but whatever. It was out now.

I went back to doing my hair but Sailor just would NOT let up. "Dude, I put the bird outside. Chill out." No way. He just kept it up so I decided to move the dryer over to see why he was freaking out. There were probably some feathers or something back there from the bird that he could still smell. I moved the dryer and there were two other birds just looking up at me. Am I Bob Fucking Marley or what?

I took it all as a sign. "Every little thing, is gonna be alright!" All I could do was laugh and just take it as a sign that those three little birds were assuring me that everything was going to be alright. Good times.