Can we go back to when girls had cooties?

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, there was a girl and a boy that loved each other from the time they rode bikes, played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and played hide and seek together. He even let her play in his fort which we all know is usually off limits to girls. I mean, girls have cooties and bringing a female into such a sacred manly space would throw the Earth off it's rotation. The years went by, the boy and girl lost touch and went their separate ways. Fast forward oh, fifteen years and bring that boy and girl back into one anothers lives when girls no longer have cooties but boobies instead, add some firework sparks, years of wondering about the other, and of course adult beverages and what you have is a recipe for disaster...or love. Whichever way you want to look at it.

Unfortunate thing that is also in this recipe is an engagement and a marriage to other people. Strangers compared to the history of these two. Everything happens for a reason and you justify the reason you two aren't together because of it. You hug, walk out of each others lives once again, significant others in tow. Two months later said marriage and engagement are both over, one by a tragic death and the other by a tragic douche bag. Can douche bags be described as tragic? I don't know. You find yourself replaying that day you two met after years of not seeing each other and the words "everything happens for a reason" echo in your head over and over and over until you literally drive yourself crazy.

Finally it seems the stars have aligned just for you and things start progressing. Dreams are being shared and planned, hopes, fears, secrets, everything is being laid on the table. Suddenly, you find yourself actually relating to Celine Dion's "The Power of Love" or Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love"...wait...I don't think anyone can relate to that song. What the hell is it that he won't do for love? Lindsey has some ideas. You can read them here. Anyway, it's like all this time you just thought it was some song like all the other love songs. People didn't really feel that way. They wrote that shit for the movies and everything in the movies is exaggerated to really help capture the audience. You are on cloud nine. Anything at this point is possible. I felt like Cinda-fucking-rella, singing birds that helped me get dressed in the morning and all! I completely and 100% gave my heart to this man.

Then....he took my heart that I'd just given him, put it down the disposal and rinsed it away with hot water. I can feel George Michaels' pain whenever I hear Last Christmas. How could I have been so dumb to believe what he was saying was reality, that he was my Prince Charming and that he was going to ride up on this white Stallion (or Harley) at any second and we'd ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? How could I have trusted my own heart and feelings and truly believed in what we were doing/feeling/saying? I had THE hardest time getting over the reality of it all. I mean, this was years of history. It was SUPPOSED to happen this way, right? RIGHT?!?!

It's taken a good year to finally see the big picture and really know that everything does happen for a reason. I may not know the reason today or tomorrow or even next year but I have to have faith that it happened for the better. And whatever happens in the future is what is supposed to happen. Que sera, sera.

A few nights ago I was sitting in my apartment just messing around on the computer and a certain someone started chatting with me, which led to him asking me for my number. My heart fell to my stomach and then jumped into my throat and I wasn't sure what to feel. I mean, I'd for sure have to be drunk to handle an actual conversation for the first time with this person. He's lived in my thoughts for so long that I'm sure I've distorted the true him to the point of nonrecognition. What would I say? Would I stick up for myself? Would I be angry with him? WHAT DO I DO?

It seems like that vicious cycle of coming back into my life is trying to take off again but I am the one in control now. I've got the confidence I need to make the right decision for myself but the way that my heart is wired to my brain is so fucked up, it could burn a house down...if my wiring were that of a house. Sort of like my apartment. I plug something in on one end of the room and this in turn causes the things on the opposite side of the room to turn off. That's what you get when you are living in a house built in 1911. You know what else you get? A shock in the shower with water so cold it could prevent boners for at least a week. I'm getting off subject.

I guess what I'm going to do is the same thing I do about my apartment, just ignore how the wiring is messed up and go on about my day. If it burns down, it happened for a reason. :)