Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle....

....maybe then I could sleep at night.


I don't consider myself a good writer. I don't consider myself a profound thinker. If anything I think quite the opposite. I use too many commas and probably don't truly get my thought process across. I've been contemplating going back to school but not quite sure for what. Maybe an English class to become a better writer? I don't know. But I have been making it a point to write an idea down as it strikes me. I'll be mid-brushing my teeth and BAM! Something comes to me. Or I'll be at work and I'll need to write something down. Sometimes I'm not sure whether I should waste an FB update on an idea or expand on it by blogging.

Writing is like therapy for me. I'm sure it is for a lot of people. I just can't believe I publish it for everyone to see. I'll write about something and not even mention it to my BFF that I can't hide anything from and she'll bring it up on our daily walk and I almost feel ashamed. I'm the type of girl that wears her heart on her sleeve...



I mean that literally. I didn't even realize the significance of that tattoo until all was said and done. It's also fun for fill-in-the-blanks. Anyway, my point was to say that I can't believe how much I've been able to hold things in lately. It's almost like I'm evolving into another person and I'm so excited. I can't wait for a change and to see the outcome of what is next.

Here is what has struck me as of late.

Another co-habitating toothbrush has come and gone. Even though this one was not invited, it was exciting to have in the medicine cabinet, as if to say, "hey, you know you are stomping on claimed territory." Funny that it was a pink toothbrush. Maybe it wasn't so forward. Maybe more like a "Bet you are wondering who's this is..."

Throwing out the toothbrush this morning was more like flicking on the vacancy sign on yet again. Christ, how many times will this happen? The last time it happened the toothbrush was pink too but because of me. I didn't want the forwardness of a "manly" colored toothbrush. That would have totally cramped my style. The style of "hi, I don't want to let you know I'm secretly in love with you so I'm going to pretend like it's such an inconvenience for you to leave a toothbrush here so I'm making it pink."

How long will this toothbrush game go on for? Forever? I fucking hope not. I'm so sick of it. Is it me? Is it because I live in Utah? Is it because I'm not Mormon? Is it because I'm too picky? Am I not picky enough? I feel like all the women on Sex and the City combined in one.

"I've been dating for 15 years. Where is he?"

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all...

I miss having feelings. Any feelings. Happy, sad, mad, excited. I was talking to Sue yesterday and we were talking about the last time we'd cried. She's more of an emotional girl than I am. The last time I cried (besides reading a book or watching a movie) was at the end of November but it was out of sheer anger. I was SO mad that all I could do was curl up on the floor and cry my eyes out until I couldn't breath. Then I picked myself up, wiped my tears and went on with life. Haven't cried since.

In the past week it seems like I've been told that I'm more of a dude about 100 times by different people. I'm not so sure how true that is. It's definitely what I put off but not necessarily true. I guess if I act more dudely I won't attract one? I don't know. I'm tired of not feeling though. It's almost more exhausting as having feelings. It's like I'm waiting to wake up and feel something. I'll be glad when Summer is here. There is just something about the sun out, music up, and windows down.

Happy Birthday to my baby boy!

And by baby boy, I mean my dog Sailor. He turns 6 (in human years) today. I can't even tell you how much that little 6 lbs of fur and fury means to me. I'm not one of those girls that dresses their dog up and carries them in a purse. My dog is too aggro for that. Everyone knows he's crabby. But I love his crabby self. He came into my life at a time I needed it most. I was 22 years old, thought I had life all figured out, my own place, car that was paid off, a job....and I would crawl up on my kitchen floor in the fetal position and cry almost every night. To this day I still don't fully understand what the problem was but I knew I needed something in my life to take away that pain. That something was my little Sailor. I'm pretty sure he thinks his name is Schmoopie Woops, Little Beelee Bee, or Buddah Boobs but he answers to all so it's fine. Happy birthday my little Lovie Love. Momma loves you.

What I'm Listening To Today

I haven't done one of these in a long time and I love doing these posts so I'm long overdue.

I don't know what it is about this song but I just HAVE to listen to it way too loud in my car. I LOVE it. Something about it makes me feel like a bad ass.



I can't even tell you how excited I am for this album to come out. I'm guessing it will be the soundtrack to an awesome summer.



I found these guys by listening to As Tall As Lions radio on Pandora. I heart them.



Guilty pleasure!! Before you quickly push that little red X in the corner from me saying this, let me explain. This song reminds me of my recent trip to Chicago with my Gays. We all woke up at 4 AM and just started talking and we'd keep singing these lyrics to sort of make fun of the song but it totally grew on me and will forever remind me of my 2010 Chicago trip.

Oh she's only 17, wind and wind and wound up over everything

Every generation has the same story but they think it's their own. I had my little brother over for dinner the other night and it was so funny to listen to him and his friends recall nights of partying, school, girls. I remember being 17. Do I miss it? Hell no! Remember when you thought life was so stressful and hard? A fight with your boyfriend was like the end of the world. How could you possibly go on if this person broke up with you and started dating someone else? Well guess what?! You grew up and chances are they are dating someone else and the sun still rises and sets, every 24 hours. . Or what about having to work a mere 20 hours a week AND go to school for 6 hours a day. I'm now working on average 50 hours a week, trying to train for a marathon, clean two houses to make extra money every week I only wish all I had to worry about was getting to school each morning to hang out with my friends. I had high honors all throughout high school without even studying. High school was just 6 hours of socializing.

My little brother is somewhat of a shit show. All he cares about is "getting faded" and his girlfriend(s). I don't get to see him much so having him over for dinner was so awesome. I felt like for the first time we could actually talk as adults. There is 10 years between us so I've always felt like more of an aunt than a sister to him. I wish I could tell him what the next 10 years will be like for him and what he should focus on but I know he wouldn't listen to me. I wouldn't have listened when I was age and probably wouldn't even listen now. We are the type of people who pretty much need to figure shit out on our own. We can't learn from other peoples mistakes. We're stubborn.

For now, I'll just listen to his "epic" party stories and let him think he's a bad ass and be there for him when he starts to figure shit out and realize life isn't as easy as it is when you are 17.

Look at this fu*^#@! hipster!

Even her computer has an ironic mustache ok?!

Three cheers to five years...

Today would've been our five year anniversary. I really tried not to dwell on it because it doesn't bother me THAT much but with today has come some internal thinking. It also doesn't help that I've dreamt of his daughter several times this week. Did I make the right decision in every decision regarding "us"? Did I learn all I could from that "relation-shit"? I'd like to say the answer is yes. Maybe it's the human nature in me to always question, even if it's just that sliver of question.

Well I've been listening to Pandora all morning to break up the monotony of my I-pod. This song caught my ear and I about shit my pants when I saw the title. I'll post the lyrics too so you can get the full gist.



"Three Cheers For Five Years"

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you

Too late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering
Too late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me, baby
For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now

Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
Sleep alone tonight

How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
How does he feel, how does he kiss

I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you
I want to
But I can't forgive you
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby
I can't forgive you
I know you want me to want you I want to
But I can't forgive you
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby
I can't forgive you
I know you want me to want you I want to

I'm not an addict (Maybe that's a lie)

"Hello, I'm Heather, and I'm a music-aholic."

"Hi Heather!"

I don't have an addictive personality. Everything about my genetic make-up says I should be an addict but I'm not. My Gramps was a major alcoholic for years and then ironically died from liver cancer once he was 10 years sober. I have an uncle that's been in and out of rehab. I have other family members that I'm pretty sure have problems too that they may or may not have admitted to. Most of my friends from high school have been in a rehab at one time or another. Addiction has always been around me. I guess I got lucky.

Except when it comes to music. I. Love. Music. I couldn't imagine my life without music. I'd rather lose both legs and arms than be deaf. I think it would be the most tragic thing to ever happen to me. I'm constantly listening to music. In fact, one of the prerequisites of dating someone is their music taste or if they have any. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a music snob nor will I ever judge you for what you listen to. Unless it's Creed or Disturbed. Then we don't really have much to discuss. Bye bye.

I blame my dependency (isn't blame self-denial? Ha) on my mother. Ever since I can remember she had music playing 24-7. Literally, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It felt foreign to come home to a quiet house. She listened to everything from Boston and Led Zeppelin to Keith Sweat and Earth, Wind, and Fire. Country, Classic Rock, R&B, Pop, New Age, even the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos. Pretty much you name it, she listened to it. I credit this to being the reason why my sister and I are such music lovers. In fact, this blog started out about nothing but music. I made lists of songs, much like John Cusack in High Fidelity. Kylee's blog is still basically all about music.

I usually get stuck on one artist and listen to them until I can no longer listen to them for one more second....of the day. I have yet to get sick of a band. Lately it's been Imogen Heap's (fairly)new CD titled Ellipse. I can't seem to get enough of it. Also, The Dear Hunter. All three CDs that have been put out have been playing constantly on my I-pod. I can't stop listening! The way the whole album tells one big story is just awesome to me. Every song has it's own distinct sound yet somehow they all flow into one another. I often imagine what it would look like if you took each song and translated it into a play. I picture pin-up girls dancing around soldiers, tanks, war scenes, smoke. Nothing would make me happier than to watch that play. It would be amazing. I have also created plays in my head to Imogen's "Cumulus" and Bon Iver's "Woods". Am I a freak? Don't answer that.

This often leads me to believe I should maybe make a living by doing something with music. I can't carry a tune to save my life. I haven't officially learned to play an instrument unless you count a recorder an instrument and I wasn't even really good at that. Plus, that was second grade. I am pretty good at listening to a song and sitting down at a piano and figuring it out but I've just never taken the time for it. I could be a DJ maybe? I've been a guest DJ several times on UtahFM.org and have actually been surprised at how natural it feels to be behind that mic. I also have a surprisingly sexy radio voice if I don't say so myself. Maybe I could set music to movies? I used to play a game where we'd put an I-pod on shuffle and describe the movie scene for the song that was playing. For instance, if The Prize Fighter Inferno's "78" came on, I'd describe a cheesy 90's scene out of Miami of a cop chase or something. Or how Head Automatica's "Brooklyn Is Burning" would be the perfect opening credits for a bad ass movie. I can't even tell you how many hours of my life were wasted on playing that.

I really have toyed with the idea of looking for a career surrounded around music but I guess my only fear would be that I'd get sick of it. But then there is the question, could I ever get sick of music? I haven't in all my 27 years so I don't see it happening anytime soon. Hmmm...



Me at UtahFM.org

Adventures In Babysitting....er Dating!

We all have our fair share of dating horror stories. I had some friends over for dinner and told a few stories and decided I should share my top fave five. Ok, I don't really know if I can say I have favorites, let alone five of them, but I can tell you that I seriously have had some gems of experiences.

Let me start off with the latest and probably the greatest. We'll call him Mohawk guy. Meet him at the bar, he proceeds to buy me AND MY FRIENDS drinks. Automatically gets 18 points for that. I fall from being a drunk hot mess, he helps me up, AND STILL CALLS ME THE NEXT DAY!! 23 points for that one. If you are doing the math, that's already 41 points in less than 24 hours. We text and flirt for the next week and plan on going to dinner that Friday (which was this last Friday). This is when he quickly lost those points and is probably now in the negatives. Ok not probably. He IS in the negative. So Friday he informs me that he'll be late, about 30-45 minutes. I hate when people are late but at least he let me know so no big deal. I just figured he ended up having to work late. No. HE HAD TO PICK HIS FRIEND UP FROM JAIL. Minus 20 points. So he shows up at 8:30 (an hour and a half late...minus 50 points) and proceeds to tell me that we can't go to dinner because while he did get paid that day, he didn't have enough hours therefore he is poor. Ok, whatever. I'm not a girl that needs to be wined and dined. We won't deduct any points for that for the sake of being nice. So we basically just sat in my living room and talked for a good six hours. During the course of this six hours is when I started coming down with the gomboo. I also learned that Mohawk guy has zero respect for his parents/family, doesn't pay his bills since he plans on filing for bankruptcy soon but he can't until he files his taxes for the last two years (if you think it can't get any worse, keep reading!!), doesn't believe in love and doesn't see how anyone could stay married their whole life, and lastly, the corker of all corkers, he placed an ad on Craigslist in all seriousness asking for a woman to mother a child for him and then give up her rights so he could have a kid. He's now negative 15,978,364,654 points. I wish I was making this up you guys but even my colorful imagination couldn't come up with this shit show of a person. I've even left some stuff out for the sake of not writing a novel.

In high school I did have a serious boyfriend for most of it but I did get the chance to date. Man, now come to think of it, my shit show dating career started out a shit show from day one. I say this because I once was subjected to eating dinner in the back of a dump truck. Yes, I literally had to crawl up into the back of this stinky, dirty dump truck and eat dinner. I also feared for my life when a guy suggested we go four-wheeling in the hills in his truck and then almost rolled us. Don't worry, he made me get out of the truck before it rolled. An hour later he wanted to go find a shopping cart and race it into cement walls while I was riding in it. He actually thought that sounded fun. Dump truck guy and Shopping Cart guy were nice but that was about it.

Then there was Naked guy. You'll see where he gets his name in just a second. Naked guy was actually a guy I went to school with so I pretty much knew him already but never really considered dating him. We went out one night and had drinks and sushi. It was a pretty fun night. He invited me to his place for more drinks and conversation once dinner was over. Sounded great so I went in and we listened to music and talked for a little bit. Naked guy then excused himself to the restroom. I'm just sitting there innocently waiting for him to finish his business when all of a sudden, in busts Naked guy completely NAKED, running (literally running) towards me. I had no time to think. I was like a deer in headlights. I'd only seen two other men completely naked in my life and here he is, running towards me like there was a Zombie outbreak in the bathroom and getting naked was the only way to repel them. He then proceeds to tackle me. Naked. NAKED!!! I made a swift exit and haven't talked to Naked guy since.

With all these exciting experiences under my belt, I decided to really torture myself and join Match.com. My friend met a nice guy and swore by it so I thought what the hell. I wasn't meeting any guys so why not really just put myself out there. I decided to give it a month. I went on four dates and I can't say it was a horrible experience. I'm actually proud of myself for doing it. It really takes a lot of courage to go on so many "blind" dates and I can honestly say I overcame some personal barriers by doing it. I just didn't happen to find anything worth writing home about. Granted, I did only give it one month but I don't think I'll be taking that route again. It's just not for me.

This post sort of sounds like I'm bitching but that really isn't my intent. I love that I've had such crazy experiences. I think it has added to my character and I'm told it will only make me appreciate THE ONE that much more. I must say I'm having a blast being single in this Salty City. It does get frustrating, especially being a non-Mormon at times but I think SLC has got some great diversity and amazing people. I just can't believe I've subjected myself to some of the shit I have. Get a grip Heather.

Look at this fu$*@&g hipster...

Kylee: Not knowing anyone at work is awkward ok?

Me: Yeah but you are a bamf so you'll make friends fast.

Kylee: I know. ha. I just hate eating lunch alone!

Me: Ok mimi. Make friends with a hipster!

Kylee: Mimi? You should see this samoan hispter sitting in front of me!

**sends photo of said hipster**

Me: I didn't even think those existed! It's like a unicorn. Rare and magical.

Kylee: I'm telling you, this place is like hipster mecca.

Pen Pal!

I can't remember the last time I had a pen pal. I think it was 2nd or 3rd grade. I do exchange letters with my friend Dustin who is in Alabama but it's different since we know each other.

I got an actual pen pal today! All I know about her is that her name is Melissa, she is a medical student and she lives in the Ukraine. How exciting is that?! I seriously know nothing about the Ukraine so hopefully I make a great new friend as well as learn some new things. I never even thought about having a pen pal until I really dug into the blog world and I'm so excited!

Who knows, I could find myself travelling to the Ukraine sometime in the future.