Has this ever happened to you?
This isn't the first time that this has happened to me. It's pretty much happened with every damn Ke$ha song but I never expected it to happen with this song. The first time I heard it I was with Sue in the car and we just looked at each other in disgust. You guys, I hate to admit that I love this song now. I've decided to just embrace it. In fact I'm getting ready to go shower and I'll probably look a lot like Emma Stone.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Dear Universe,
Hi. It's just me Heather. I have sort of a favor to ask you, Universe. I don't really ask much from you. I do my part to put out the positive vibes and good karma. Yesterday you gave me cold coffee that was almost intolerable. Did I whine about it? No. I simply added ice to it and enjoyed an iced coffee. Crisis averted. Most people would've let that ruin their whole day but not me. Positive, positive, positive.
Ok, so maybe I refuse to give bums money ever since the last one I did give money to insulted me about my birthmark right after I handed him the money. I should've expected it. I mean I was in L.A. How could I have expected any less? I guess my stubbornness just won't allow me to give out money anymore. I think I make up for it by donations and whatnot though, right?
And maybe I do have a big mouth when I should just sit back quietly and listen while nodding my head smiling. It's just that....I can't lie. If someone is going to complain to me about how this guy treats her like shit and this and that, I'm going to tell her the truth. Ditch him! There are plenty of men out there to truly deserve her. Or if someone is going to cry about how poor they are, I don't hesitate to tell them that maybe they should save up some money instead of blowing it by going out every weekend. We all like to have our fun but sometimes you are stuck at home watching The Notebook by ourselves. Yeah, it's a bit pathetic but you gotta do what you gotta do. Is that so wrong?
What I'm trying to say here is that I do my best at trying to make you a stellar place. Can you please do me a solid and not fuck me on this one? I'm really scared. Please let this just be nothing. I would really appreciate it. And if you follow through, I'll go get $20 worth of one dollar bills and seek out bums and hand it out ok? And I promise I'll try to zip my lip more.
LOVE,
Heather
Ok, so maybe I refuse to give bums money ever since the last one I did give money to insulted me about my birthmark right after I handed him the money. I should've expected it. I mean I was in L.A. How could I have expected any less? I guess my stubbornness just won't allow me to give out money anymore. I think I make up for it by donations and whatnot though, right?
And maybe I do have a big mouth when I should just sit back quietly and listen while nodding my head smiling. It's just that....I can't lie. If someone is going to complain to me about how this guy treats her like shit and this and that, I'm going to tell her the truth. Ditch him! There are plenty of men out there to truly deserve her. Or if someone is going to cry about how poor they are, I don't hesitate to tell them that maybe they should save up some money instead of blowing it by going out every weekend. We all like to have our fun but sometimes you are stuck at home watching The Notebook by ourselves. Yeah, it's a bit pathetic but you gotta do what you gotta do. Is that so wrong?
What I'm trying to say here is that I do my best at trying to make you a stellar place. Can you please do me a solid and not fuck me on this one? I'm really scared. Please let this just be nothing. I would really appreciate it. And if you follow through, I'll go get $20 worth of one dollar bills and seek out bums and hand it out ok? And I promise I'll try to zip my lip more.
LOVE,
Heather
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Queue the orchestra
The stage is set with an all too familiar scene. Prop placement is a bit different but the rest is recognizable. I played the lead years ago but now I’m just a member of the audience, watching as the main character struggles through each scene. I already know how this play ends but choose to stay and watch.
Our hero will prevail but not as he hopes he will. Characters that seem to be so important to the story line fade into the background with each scene.
Finally the curtain drops, leaving the audience in suspense, a clue that there will be a sequel.
Maybe it’s time to brush up on my lines for auditions.
Our hero will prevail but not as he hopes he will. Characters that seem to be so important to the story line fade into the background with each scene.
Finally the curtain drops, leaving the audience in suspense, a clue that there will be a sequel.
Maybe it’s time to brush up on my lines for auditions.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Give me any reason to believe
'Cause I swear I'm done here
'Cause I see a bigger picture
And I'm looking for some answers
Tell me that it's worth it
'Cause I'm doing all I can to fight it
But I've never been this scared
My moment's finally here
Mayday Parade- Still Breathing
My reality is finally sinking in. My nerves are wired directly to my intestines, causing me a painful bellyache daily. I'm starting to sell off the pieces of me that I've worked so hard for to make the journey a light one....and possible one. Everything that makes my "home" will now make someone elses home. While my possessions don't make me who I am, it is still weird to part with it all. It's sort of like giving up a part of myself, which now that I think about it, that is essentially what I'm doing. I'm giving up everything I'm comfortable with, everything I know, for something completely foreign. (Somewhere Down In Texas just came on)
I've made this decision before but the leap was, well, just that. A leap. A 120 mile leap from a small town to a small city. Now I'm making the 1,300 mile jump from small city to big city. Alone. Before, I had a familiar face to help with the transition. At least I have my cuddle buddy coming with. Hopefully he likes it. I feel like I have to be calm and confident for him through all of this. Seriously, this sounds ridiculous even as I type it but I watched the finale of Grey's Anatomy this weekend and OH. MY. GOD. I was SO stressed. I bawled ok? Like the kind of cry where you can't make any noise but it looks like your shoulders are having a seizure and your eyes are pouring buckets down your face. You should have seen this poor dog. And this is just from a TV show that I don't even follow regularly. Imagine when I move 1,300 miles away. Poor Sailor.
I've spent this weekend just sifting through all this shit I've accumulated in my 27 years. While organizing/purging/packing, I've come up with some questions for myself.
Why have I kept half the shit I've kept? Take the 2000 edition dictionary I've lugged around for the last decade for instance. How appropriate is it to actually own a dictionary when we live in a world with Google? Also, why did my mom feel it was even an appropriate Christmas gift? She must've drank a lot of egg nog that year. Don't fret. The dictionary is now in the "get rid of this shit already" box.
Was it really necessary to bring home that rock from the Oregon coast? Or those cheap ass beads they were passing out like hot cakes for St. Patrick's Day in Chicago? Yeah, I get the significance of a souvenir or two but what am I supposed to do with these now? They're just going to sit in a box that my children will have to sift through once I'm dead and probably curse me for being such a hoarder. Sorry future kids! Momma's a nut job....much like grandma! Oh my god. I'm becoming my mother.
Speaking of becoming my mother, why do I find it necessary to stock up on grooming products, cleaner, lotions, etc? I found two full bottles of hand soap from Bath and Body Works, two tubes of brand new tooth paste, various hair products I've never even used, and countless little trial size lotions. I could open a mini-convenience store in my bathroom. My mom does the same thing and it used to annoy me so bad.
Final question: What exactly does one do with a wedding ring? I know what you're thinking. "Wow. What a classy guy. He let her keep the ring." Yeah, so classy I got to keep the ring that I paid for. It's a pretty ring and totally my style but do you think it even thinks about fitting on any other finger? The last thing I want to do is walk around wearing a diamond advertising that I'm married. What the hell do I do with this thing? Sell it? Would I get what I paid for it? Anyone know of anybody needing a size 4.5 wedding ring? Send 'em my way. It'd pay off my credit cards.
I wish it was September. It's snowing right now in the SLC. Ugh.
'Cause I swear I'm done here
'Cause I see a bigger picture
And I'm looking for some answers
Tell me that it's worth it
'Cause I'm doing all I can to fight it
But I've never been this scared
My moment's finally here
Mayday Parade- Still Breathing
My reality is finally sinking in. My nerves are wired directly to my intestines, causing me a painful bellyache daily. I'm starting to sell off the pieces of me that I've worked so hard for to make the journey a light one....and possible one. Everything that makes my "home" will now make someone elses home. While my possessions don't make me who I am, it is still weird to part with it all. It's sort of like giving up a part of myself, which now that I think about it, that is essentially what I'm doing. I'm giving up everything I'm comfortable with, everything I know, for something completely foreign. (Somewhere Down In Texas just came on)
I've made this decision before but the leap was, well, just that. A leap. A 120 mile leap from a small town to a small city. Now I'm making the 1,300 mile jump from small city to big city. Alone. Before, I had a familiar face to help with the transition. At least I have my cuddle buddy coming with. Hopefully he likes it. I feel like I have to be calm and confident for him through all of this. Seriously, this sounds ridiculous even as I type it but I watched the finale of Grey's Anatomy this weekend and OH. MY. GOD. I was SO stressed. I bawled ok? Like the kind of cry where you can't make any noise but it looks like your shoulders are having a seizure and your eyes are pouring buckets down your face. You should have seen this poor dog. And this is just from a TV show that I don't even follow regularly. Imagine when I move 1,300 miles away. Poor Sailor.
I've spent this weekend just sifting through all this shit I've accumulated in my 27 years. While organizing/purging/packing, I've come up with some questions for myself.
Why have I kept half the shit I've kept? Take the 2000 edition dictionary I've lugged around for the last decade for instance. How appropriate is it to actually own a dictionary when we live in a world with Google? Also, why did my mom feel it was even an appropriate Christmas gift? She must've drank a lot of egg nog that year. Don't fret. The dictionary is now in the "get rid of this shit already" box.
Was it really necessary to bring home that rock from the Oregon coast? Or those cheap ass beads they were passing out like hot cakes for St. Patrick's Day in Chicago? Yeah, I get the significance of a souvenir or two but what am I supposed to do with these now? They're just going to sit in a box that my children will have to sift through once I'm dead and probably curse me for being such a hoarder. Sorry future kids! Momma's a nut job....much like grandma! Oh my god. I'm becoming my mother.
Speaking of becoming my mother, why do I find it necessary to stock up on grooming products, cleaner, lotions, etc? I found two full bottles of hand soap from Bath and Body Works, two tubes of brand new tooth paste, various hair products I've never even used, and countless little trial size lotions. I could open a mini-convenience store in my bathroom. My mom does the same thing and it used to annoy me so bad.
Final question: What exactly does one do with a wedding ring? I know what you're thinking. "Wow. What a classy guy. He let her keep the ring." Yeah, so classy I got to keep the ring that I paid for. It's a pretty ring and totally my style but do you think it even thinks about fitting on any other finger? The last thing I want to do is walk around wearing a diamond advertising that I'm married. What the hell do I do with this thing? Sell it? Would I get what I paid for it? Anyone know of anybody needing a size 4.5 wedding ring? Send 'em my way. It'd pay off my credit cards.
I wish it was September. It's snowing right now in the SLC. Ugh.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Look at this F*%#ing Hipster
Kylee: There is a jogger jogging in place right now and guess how many Livestrong bracelets I can count?
Me: Um....6?
Kylee: 5. Pretty sure Lance Armstrong only has 1 ball so you are only required to wear one Livestrong bracelet. I mean, I'm not trained in these kinds of things but I'm just putting 2 and 2...actually 1 and 1 together.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
"It's like a man's best party only happens when he dies......"
When the phone rings at 8 AM, you know it's not for anything good.
"Hello?"
"Hi Hita.."
"Hi Gramoo. What are you doing?"
"Oh, I was just calling to tell you Uncle Lucas called around 4 this morning. Sharon passed away."
"Ah......(long awkward pause)....well at least she's not sick anymore."
"Yeah. Bless her heart. Anyway, get back to work. Call me later."
That was it.
She wasn't a close relative. I had seen her maybe two, three times in my whole life. I heard a great deal about her but didn't spend much time with her. She lived three states away and needless to say, the Howell side of my family doesn't really hold family gatherings in high priorities, whereas the other side of my family has nervous breakdowns should one holiday go by where nobody gets together. No wonder why I'm a walking contradiction. My whole life I've been living this Romeo and Juliet life. One side of the family is the Montagues and the other the Capulets. Me being both Romeo and Juliet, just wanting to be able to love both sides without all the animosity or guilt.
As I hung up the phone with my Grandma that morning, I thought to myself that maybe I should have acted as though I was sad. The problem with that is I wasn't. I'm not. I feel for those close to her, especially my uncle and little cousin but the truth is, I'm not a good actress. I'm a strong believer in not being fake, mostly because I can't be. Maybe if I was a better actress I could have maybe shed a tear or two and said what a great person she was but that's not the case.
I'm not saying she was a horrible person. I didn't know her well enough to make that call. I spent a long and gruesome 11 days in Washington with her, my Gramoo, and my uncle. 11 days in Washington.....with a bunch of 60 year olds. The highlight of that trip was when I got stoned in the woods and walked around listening to Bruce Springsteen for hours by myself. While there, I watched my little cousin get yelled at by her grandma. What she had done is so insignificant but I remember seeing Lexi's little embarrassed face. Usually when someone gets reprimanded, especially in front of other people, you say what needs to be said and drop it. If anything further needs to be said it's done at a different time, in private. Not for this lady. She just kept going and going and going. My heart just went out to this little girl. Here was this little pre-teen who already has a fragile self esteem being berated right in front of family she's met once or twice. For some reason that just always has stuck with me and I've had a hard time with letting it go. I mean, it was none of my business but I just felt for her. Since then, Sharon has just been hard to swallow so to speak.
Almost two years ago, a friend of mine was electrocuted while fixing some power lines. I could not believe my ears when I heard the news. There had to have been a mistake. Steve was too stellar of a person to pass away at only 26 years old. He had so much to offer this world. We both liked each other but I was too scared to give him a shot. I will forever regret that. Stef and I went to his funeral and every word that was said about him was true. They let people come up and share their stories about Steve at this funeral and I wish I would have shared my story.
I worked with Steve when we were in high school as baggers at Smith's. We used to sneak back in the produce department where they kept the balloons and make announcements over the intercom after sucking helium. One day we were talking and he heard that I had never caught a fish. You should have seen the look on his face. Sure enough, that Saturday he picked me up, two fishing poles in tow and we headed for the lake. As luck would have it, right when we pulled up a rain storm came through. Instead of heading home, we sat in his truck and he taught me how to flip pennies. On the ride home I laid on his shoulder and we listened to Fuel's "Shimmer" on repeat the whole way home. My neck hurt so bad but I didn't want to move. There was so much fun and laughter that went on inside that little cab of his truck and I'll never forget that Saturday.
After his funeral I completely re-evaluated my life. What would people say at my funeral? Am I living my life to its full potential? If I died tomorrow, would the people I love know just how much I loved them? After three years of wearing a ring and no wedding planned, I knew I was in a relationship that was going nowhere so I broke that off. It was hard to do but I knew it needed to be done. I made an effort to see my family and friends more often and tell them how I felt about them. Stef and I wrote eulogies for one another. I cried doing it and cried while reading hers but I'm glad we did it. To this day I still have mine saved and read it from time to time. The summer after that I took three trips where I usually take one. It really opened my eyes to what is important.
Whether there are 10 people or a hundred people at my funeral, I hope they are all sincere in what they say about me. As morbid as it sounds, I sort of want to have a funeral for myself while I'm alive because I won't get to hear everything that is said about me once I'm gone and I'd much rather hear it now.
I have still yet to catch a fish.
"Hello?"
"Hi Hita.."
"Hi Gramoo. What are you doing?"
"Oh, I was just calling to tell you Uncle Lucas called around 4 this morning. Sharon passed away."
"Ah......(long awkward pause)....well at least she's not sick anymore."
"Yeah. Bless her heart. Anyway, get back to work. Call me later."
That was it.
She wasn't a close relative. I had seen her maybe two, three times in my whole life. I heard a great deal about her but didn't spend much time with her. She lived three states away and needless to say, the Howell side of my family doesn't really hold family gatherings in high priorities, whereas the other side of my family has nervous breakdowns should one holiday go by where nobody gets together. No wonder why I'm a walking contradiction. My whole life I've been living this Romeo and Juliet life. One side of the family is the Montagues and the other the Capulets. Me being both Romeo and Juliet, just wanting to be able to love both sides without all the animosity or guilt.
As I hung up the phone with my Grandma that morning, I thought to myself that maybe I should have acted as though I was sad. The problem with that is I wasn't. I'm not. I feel for those close to her, especially my uncle and little cousin but the truth is, I'm not a good actress. I'm a strong believer in not being fake, mostly because I can't be. Maybe if I was a better actress I could have maybe shed a tear or two and said what a great person she was but that's not the case.
I'm not saying she was a horrible person. I didn't know her well enough to make that call. I spent a long and gruesome 11 days in Washington with her, my Gramoo, and my uncle. 11 days in Washington.....with a bunch of 60 year olds. The highlight of that trip was when I got stoned in the woods and walked around listening to Bruce Springsteen for hours by myself. While there, I watched my little cousin get yelled at by her grandma. What she had done is so insignificant but I remember seeing Lexi's little embarrassed face. Usually when someone gets reprimanded, especially in front of other people, you say what needs to be said and drop it. If anything further needs to be said it's done at a different time, in private. Not for this lady. She just kept going and going and going. My heart just went out to this little girl. Here was this little pre-teen who already has a fragile self esteem being berated right in front of family she's met once or twice. For some reason that just always has stuck with me and I've had a hard time with letting it go. I mean, it was none of my business but I just felt for her. Since then, Sharon has just been hard to swallow so to speak.
Almost two years ago, a friend of mine was electrocuted while fixing some power lines. I could not believe my ears when I heard the news. There had to have been a mistake. Steve was too stellar of a person to pass away at only 26 years old. He had so much to offer this world. We both liked each other but I was too scared to give him a shot. I will forever regret that. Stef and I went to his funeral and every word that was said about him was true. They let people come up and share their stories about Steve at this funeral and I wish I would have shared my story.
I worked with Steve when we were in high school as baggers at Smith's. We used to sneak back in the produce department where they kept the balloons and make announcements over the intercom after sucking helium. One day we were talking and he heard that I had never caught a fish. You should have seen the look on his face. Sure enough, that Saturday he picked me up, two fishing poles in tow and we headed for the lake. As luck would have it, right when we pulled up a rain storm came through. Instead of heading home, we sat in his truck and he taught me how to flip pennies. On the ride home I laid on his shoulder and we listened to Fuel's "Shimmer" on repeat the whole way home. My neck hurt so bad but I didn't want to move. There was so much fun and laughter that went on inside that little cab of his truck and I'll never forget that Saturday.
After his funeral I completely re-evaluated my life. What would people say at my funeral? Am I living my life to its full potential? If I died tomorrow, would the people I love know just how much I loved them? After three years of wearing a ring and no wedding planned, I knew I was in a relationship that was going nowhere so I broke that off. It was hard to do but I knew it needed to be done. I made an effort to see my family and friends more often and tell them how I felt about them. Stef and I wrote eulogies for one another. I cried doing it and cried while reading hers but I'm glad we did it. To this day I still have mine saved and read it from time to time. The summer after that I took three trips where I usually take one. It really opened my eyes to what is important.
Whether there are 10 people or a hundred people at my funeral, I hope they are all sincere in what they say about me. As morbid as it sounds, I sort of want to have a funeral for myself while I'm alive because I won't get to hear everything that is said about me once I'm gone and I'd much rather hear it now.
I have still yet to catch a fish.
Holly Miranda
Stefanie showed me this lovely lady a few weeks ago but I've just got around to writing about her. Her. Voice. Is. Amazing. I bought her single "Waves" on I-tunes but I have to be honest, I don't like how produced it is compared to watching her live videos on youtube of the song. I'm just in love with her voice. If I could even sing a fraction like her, I wouldn't ever talk. I'd sing constantly. Could you imagine? Ha. I'd probably lose my job shortly after but damn it, I'd have an amazing voice!
And who doesn't love Lauryn Hill's "Ex-factor"? Listen to this cover....taped in the backseat of a car no less!
Also, check out her cover of Jeff Buckley's "Lover, You Should've Come Over". B-E-A-Utiful.
Very impressed Miss Miranda. Very impressed.
And who doesn't love Lauryn Hill's "Ex-factor"? Listen to this cover....taped in the backseat of a car no less!
Also, check out her cover of Jeff Buckley's "Lover, You Should've Come Over". B-E-A-Utiful.
Very impressed Miss Miranda. Very impressed.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Just how bright is my future you ask?
This album cover was emailed to me today. Here is the conversation that followed.
Sue: Haha especially to have the creep with the mustache rubbing on you
Me: Exactly! I could pull off that hair but where do I find the creep? Ha.
Sue: I'll keep an eye out for you, preferably in short cut offs and a mesh shirt
Me: I'll bet we could find one at the concert series this summer.
Sue: Hahahaha, I am pretty sure you are right
Me: My future is so bright.
Sue: Haha, I bet hipstercrite knows plenty of dudes in Austin who look like that.
Me: OMG you know she does! I hear Austin is the land of hipsters and rednecks. Hi, I'm going to live there. That album cover could very well be next years Christmas card. Or better yet, my wedding announcement.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby.
You opened the door and invited me in. Just as I started stepping through the threshold, you slammed the door in my face. It took my breath away. I stood on the porch for a few minutes trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Then I realized it really was you and not me. So clique. I chuckle to myself and turn to leave, taking one last look back hoping you'll open the door laughing as if you were just testing me and come run after me to lead me in by the hand. Nothing.
Fear is such a deterrent. It is how we grow but only if we test that fear. Keep testing that fear so one day you can take that leap and find what it is I know you are looking for.
Nothing bad can walk through that door if it's always closed. But neither can anything amazing.
Fear is such a deterrent. It is how we grow but only if we test that fear. Keep testing that fear so one day you can take that leap and find what it is I know you are looking for.
Nothing bad can walk through that door if it's always closed. But neither can anything amazing.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Laziest Day in History
It's 3:45 PM and I'm still in bed. All I've gotten up for is cereal, to let Sailor out, and to get a beer. I've literally spent all day in bed. It. Is. Amazing. Who am I? I went to the Coheed show last night so I took a vacation day.
I'm literally in a sea of music. A friend sent me 1,312 songs via the postal service so I've been sifting through it all and trying to decide what to send back. I HAVE SO MUCH MUSIC!! All these songs I've gone through today have taken me back. Let me just tell you what an emotional rollercoaster today has been. I've cried, I've laughed, I've wondered what the fuck I was thinking liking his guy or that guy, why did I buy that CD, and the titles to some of these mixed CDs....wow! Here's some of the gems:
Lawn Dart Express, Bizzle Beats, The Mutha Fuckin' Shoes Experience, The Pooter Experience, The Rationality of the Lareness, Jesus Remix.
It's safe to say my sister and I are not normal, but damn it, we've got good taste in music.
All this laying around has really given me time to think. Think about life, where I'm going, what I want. I wish life were that simple that you could figure it out in one afternoon of musical oasis under the covers but it's not. I know I want and need a change. I'm comfortable and it's boring me. I have the same routine, day in, day out, week by boring week. I'm ready for the next big thing to enter stage right and change the scene. I feel like everyone around me is living life and I'm just sitting back and waiting for mine to start. I want to be part of the show.
One of my good friends moved to Chicago last week. She's spent most of her live in Utah so moving was a huge change for her. The first night she was there she text me saying she thinks she made a mistake. I know her better than I know myself so I know it's just her fears talking. I reassure her that this is an exciting change for her and she needs to live it up. As the words are coming out, it's like I'm looking in a mirror. I need to get out of my comfort zone and just let the changes happen around me and embrace them, let them mold me. Every thing I'm saying to her, I should be saying to myself.
Is moving out of state that change I need? I'm not sure. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. If it is, where would I go? I'm pretty lucky with my job. I can get a job ANYWHERE. City, rural, literally anywhere. I love San Diego. Love, love, love San Diego but my chances of ever owning a home there are slim to none. Denver? It's pretty much a cooler Salt Lake City and it's close enough that I could drive home if I needed/wanted. What about Chicago? Too cold. My dog would probably drown himself in the river the first chance he got. What about just getting a map out and moving somewhere I've never even been? That's got to be life changing. That would truly test who I am and what I'm capable of.
Then there is my dating routine. Yes, even my dating life is a routine. I have dinner every now and again with "Fuckin' Brian", dead end. Motorcycle rides with Tony, dead end. 2 AM phone calls with Jake, dead end. Seriously, I've dated every "type" out there. I've put myself into some awkward situations, online dating, being set up. WHERE IS HE? The problem is I date people I don't like. Either they are shit shows or just not right for me. Why do I do this? Maybe because it's comfortable. I know it will fail anyway so I just go with it until it self destructs Family dinners consist of questions like "Gee Heather, when are you going to meet someone and settle down?" Or comments like, "Yeah, there's got to be something wrong with her. She's 30 and never been married." And I'll reply with, "Well, I'm 27 and haven't been married. Is there something wrong with me?" Then it's like crickets in the room. Nobody can reply.
Can somebody just come in while I lay in state and fix my life? Thank you.
Lawn Dart Express, Bizzle Beats, The Mutha Fuckin' Shoes Experience, The Pooter Experience, The Rationality of the Lareness, Jesus Remix.
It's safe to say my sister and I are not normal, but damn it, we've got good taste in music.
All this laying around has really given me time to think. Think about life, where I'm going, what I want. I wish life were that simple that you could figure it out in one afternoon of musical oasis under the covers but it's not. I know I want and need a change. I'm comfortable and it's boring me. I have the same routine, day in, day out, week by boring week. I'm ready for the next big thing to enter stage right and change the scene. I feel like everyone around me is living life and I'm just sitting back and waiting for mine to start. I want to be part of the show.
Is moving out of state that change I need? I'm not sure. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. If it is, where would I go? I'm pretty lucky with my job. I can get a job ANYWHERE. City, rural, literally anywhere. I love San Diego. Love, love, love San Diego but my chances of ever owning a home there are slim to none. Denver? It's pretty much a cooler Salt Lake City and it's close enough that I could drive home if I needed/wanted. What about Chicago? Too cold. My dog would probably drown himself in the river the first chance he got. What about just getting a map out and moving somewhere I've never even been? That's got to be life changing. That would truly test who I am and what I'm capable of.
Can somebody just come in while I lay in state and fix my life? Thank you.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
To mi madre
My dad skipped out when I was 6 years old, leaving my mom to be a single mother of two daughters, ages 6 and 2 and her being only 25. She worked multiple jobs to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. We never, ever went without. I think about where I was in life at 25 and it amazes me that she did the job that she did.
She raised two self-sufficient, self-loving, respectful, down to Earth girls to become stellar human beings and I respect her for that. She never let us talk bad about our father but was always honest when we got older and asked questions.
I'm always told I look just like her and I love it. She truly is a beautiful woman. All my guy friends in high school would tell me how hot she was and I would get so mad that my friends would be checking out my mother. There is just something wrong about that. But, this means my kids' friends will be checking me out some day so I'll take it. Ha! Even people who don't know me will come up to me and ask, "Are you Carolyn's daughter?" When I reply with a yes they say, "Well of course. You look JUST like her." All I can reply with is "Thank God."
I remember when I was in my gangsta stage in about 6th grade and I always tried to play 2Pac's "Dear Mama" to her but she'd have none of it. Obviously I wasn't a little shit head like 2Pac was as depicted in the song and my mama wasn't a "crack fiend queen" or a "single mama on welfare" but it's how I wanted to show her how I appreciated her. Thank the good Lord Boyz II Men came out with "A Song For Mama". That song truly depicts how I feel about my mother.
My mom would be mortified that I'm even posting something about her on the Internet, let alone pictures. She's sort of old fashioned like that. But it just felt fitting. Thank you Mom for always being there, always forgiving, always understanding, always fun. I can only hope I'm the sort of mother to my own kids as you were to me. You taught me to love music, love family, love friends, and mostly love myself and I love you for that.
My mom would always listen to this song when I was young. It was a good song but now that I'm all grown up, I understand my mother's obsession with it. Thank you Mom for helping me become a woman.
Fallin' in love with a man, she doesn't even know...
Friday, May 7, 2010
Things just don't seem okay...
You ever just have those days? Days where you just feel off? You aren’t sad, not exactly depressed, just…there. Today is one of those days for me. I feel like something is missing, like I need something. I just can’t put my finger on what it is. A phone call? A hug? A nap? I don’t know. Perhaps this Salty City is getting me down. I feel suffocated. I want to lock myself up in my apartment all weekend but I know I should probably do the opposite.
Be Here Now- As Tall As Lions
How many days are you afraid
Of turning off?
You'd be amazed how easy
It's been to sleepwalk.
I'm in a state where I can't tell what's right from wrong
I'm making a face
That I've been holding for far too long.
I'm on the cross
There's nothing to hide when all is lost.
I'm on the cross
A truth or a lie, which could be worse?
How many days until
I can see that I'm just fine?
I try and I try but I just need a little time
I haven't slept in one month
Things just don't seem okay
And every time the sun's up
It's a new yesterday
Drill the pressure right out of my head.
Maybe I'm scared.
Maybe I am
Weak and paranoid
When I speak white noise
Pours out from my voice.
Every time I move my lips, it tears
Your little ears to bits
I'm frozen all the time, a deer in headlights
I'll get to the point
You can't depend on love or truth
Do you want me to explain?
Are you broken at the bone?
Do you try and rearrange
A better life,
A bigger home?
So turn off the lights
Or at least unplug the phone
I'm a threat when I'm left alone
Do you feel like letting go?
Be Here Now- As Tall As Lions
How many days are you afraid
Of turning off?
You'd be amazed how easy
It's been to sleepwalk.
I'm in a state where I can't tell what's right from wrong
I'm making a face
That I've been holding for far too long.
I'm on the cross
There's nothing to hide when all is lost.
I'm on the cross
A truth or a lie, which could be worse?
How many days until
I can see that I'm just fine?
I try and I try but I just need a little time
I haven't slept in one month
Things just don't seem okay
And every time the sun's up
It's a new yesterday
Maybe I'm scared.
Maybe I am
Weak and paranoid
When I speak white noise
Pours out from my voice.
Every time I move my lips, it tears
Your little ears to bits
I'm frozen all the time, a deer in headlights
I'll get to the point
You can't depend on love or truth
To get your through
Do you want me to explain?
Are you broken at the bone?
Do you try and rearrange
A better life,
A bigger home?
So turn off the lights
Or at least unplug the phone
I'm a threat when I'm left alone
How many days
Are you afraid of turning off?Do you feel like letting go?
It's been a good life, I'll be sad to see it go
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
To Whom It May Concern:
It has come to my attention that I'm a "vulture" that has swooped down and distracted some body's ex who is still "VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH HER". The caps really help the emphasis. I REALLY GET IT NOW. THANK YOU. I hate to put you in the middle here but that's exactly where you belong.
Had this gone down a year, even six months ago, I would have probably gone out of my way to make it known that it wasn't me in fact who sought you out or asked you back into my life. It wasn't me who shut you out in order to make a new life for myself and then 10 months later come crawling back because "I'm the only person who really knows you". Maybe that was just something good to say at the time. Maybe not. I'm the only one you were able to tell about all of your adulterous sexual conquests while you were married to, I was the only one you cried to, told your fears to, your deepest darkest secrets to for a number of years. Maybe you've let her in that very same way now too. Maybe she knows more secrets than I do now. Perhaps you told her of your sexual conquests while we were together? Lord knows you didn't have the balls to confess them yourself to me.
Had this all gone down before I learned to love myself, really love myself, you bet your sweet ass I would be as psycho as she is being, airing out her dirty laundry wherever she can. I remember being that girl. Using MySpace as a way to stick my middle finger right in peoples faces. But I've grown up. I was 22. Do you know how many lifetimes ago 22 was? She's 32 and she's where I was when I was 22. I'm not saying I'm better than her in any way. I'm just saying she's maybe got some growing up to do.
Insecurity is an ugly, ugly thing. It's poison. A poison that I'm allergic to. I can't have it in my life. It's crippling. I'm sure I'm missing part of the picture. The part where you are with her, the part where you talk to her. All I see is when you talk to me. All I see is when you tell me how she has brought out the worst in you. I see your anger and it scares me. It honestly scares me. The you I know isn't violent. You were always so passive. That's probably how you dealt with my Mexican/Italian temper for so long. Whenever I tell people the change in you they are so shocked. To read how those two cackling hags talked about me and talked about you was a joke. "I've never seen him like this with anyone. Don't let an ex that is trying to win him back bother you. You two belong together, blah, blah, blah." It was the most juvenile display of frenemies I've seen since my teenage years.
I was very upset on Friday. Very upset. So upset I cried. AT WORK. I don't cry and I sure as hell don't do it at work. I was pissed off and sad. Sad because I've done nothing wrong here. It takes two people to fuck up a relationship. It's not like you were this poor unfortunate soul who was tortured for all those years by being with me. It wasn't like that for me either. It didn't work out. We grew apart. Say whatever makes you feel better about the situation but it went down in flames. It happens. It doesn't mean you can't go back and be friends after the smoke has cleared. That's what adults do.
If us getting back together is what everyone is getting their feathers up about, you can reassure them that is not the case. Hell, let them read this. I have no intentions in being your partner again whatsoever. That book was closed and returned to the library long ago. The lessons were learned and tested on. I aced them. But just because I don't want to be with you, doesn't mean we can't be friends. We were a part of each others lives for quite some time. I want nothing more than to see you so happy you have butterflies and glittery unicorn farts coming out of your ass and I hope that you want the same for me.
I'm not even sure what this letter is supposed to accomplish if anything other than letting you know my feelings on the subject. You surely didn't want to talk about it the other night. Running from your fears isn't going to make them go away. It will only make it worse. Learning to face your fears is one of the most beautiful lessons in life I've learned and am still learning. I hope you get to experience it soon.
I'm not going to "circle around like a vulture" and try to be your friend. You know my number, you know where I live. I hope you start to weed out the poison in your life. It's hard. Trust me, I did it. Some of my closest friends were shut out; friends I grew up side by side with but it had to happen. Not just for me but for them too. That was probably the hardest advice to take but it was given to me by a stellar person who knew what they were talking about. Be true to yourself. You may lose some people in your life but you'd be amazed at the weight that it lifts off of your shoulders.
Had this gone down a year, even six months ago, I would have probably gone out of my way to make it known that it wasn't me in fact who sought you out or asked you back into my life. It wasn't me who shut you out in order to make a new life for myself and then 10 months later come crawling back because "I'm the only person who really knows you". Maybe that was just something good to say at the time. Maybe not. I'm the only one you were able to tell about all of your adulterous sexual conquests while you were married to, I was the only one you cried to, told your fears to, your deepest darkest secrets to for a number of years. Maybe you've let her in that very same way now too. Maybe she knows more secrets than I do now. Perhaps you told her of your sexual conquests while we were together? Lord knows you didn't have the balls to confess them yourself to me.
Had this all gone down before I learned to love myself, really love myself, you bet your sweet ass I would be as psycho as she is being, airing out her dirty laundry wherever she can. I remember being that girl. Using MySpace as a way to stick my middle finger right in peoples faces. But I've grown up. I was 22. Do you know how many lifetimes ago 22 was? She's 32 and she's where I was when I was 22. I'm not saying I'm better than her in any way. I'm just saying she's maybe got some growing up to do.
Insecurity is an ugly, ugly thing. It's poison. A poison that I'm allergic to. I can't have it in my life. It's crippling. I'm sure I'm missing part of the picture. The part where you are with her, the part where you talk to her. All I see is when you talk to me. All I see is when you tell me how she has brought out the worst in you. I see your anger and it scares me. It honestly scares me. The you I know isn't violent. You were always so passive. That's probably how you dealt with my Mexican/Italian temper for so long. Whenever I tell people the change in you they are so shocked. To read how those two cackling hags talked about me and talked about you was a joke. "I've never seen him like this with anyone. Don't let an ex that is trying to win him back bother you. You two belong together, blah, blah, blah." It was the most juvenile display of frenemies I've seen since my teenage years.
I was very upset on Friday. Very upset. So upset I cried. AT WORK. I don't cry and I sure as hell don't do it at work. I was pissed off and sad. Sad because I've done nothing wrong here. It takes two people to fuck up a relationship. It's not like you were this poor unfortunate soul who was tortured for all those years by being with me. It wasn't like that for me either. It didn't work out. We grew apart. Say whatever makes you feel better about the situation but it went down in flames. It happens. It doesn't mean you can't go back and be friends after the smoke has cleared. That's what adults do.
If us getting back together is what everyone is getting their feathers up about, you can reassure them that is not the case. Hell, let them read this. I have no intentions in being your partner again whatsoever. That book was closed and returned to the library long ago. The lessons were learned and tested on. I aced them. But just because I don't want to be with you, doesn't mean we can't be friends. We were a part of each others lives for quite some time. I want nothing more than to see you so happy you have butterflies and glittery unicorn farts coming out of your ass and I hope that you want the same for me.
I'm not even sure what this letter is supposed to accomplish if anything other than letting you know my feelings on the subject. You surely didn't want to talk about it the other night. Running from your fears isn't going to make them go away. It will only make it worse. Learning to face your fears is one of the most beautiful lessons in life I've learned and am still learning. I hope you get to experience it soon.
I'm not going to "circle around like a vulture" and try to be your friend. You know my number, you know where I live. I hope you start to weed out the poison in your life. It's hard. Trust me, I did it. Some of my closest friends were shut out; friends I grew up side by side with but it had to happen. Not just for me but for them too. That was probably the hardest advice to take but it was given to me by a stellar person who knew what they were talking about. Be true to yourself. You may lose some people in your life but you'd be amazed at the weight that it lifts off of your shoulders.
Pearl Of The Stars
Yesterday the world lost a true angel. Pearl Macris finally lost her battle with cancer. I honestly have never met a more sincere and sweet person in my life. She never had a bad word to say about anybody. She was always so happy and positive and it showed.
One of the things I loved about Pearl was her love for her husband Paul. They were married for YEARS but each time their anniversary came around, you would have thought it was their first wedding anniversary the way that she was still in puppy love with him. They celebrated each anniversary as if it was every holiday rolled into one. I can only hope that I'll find a love so pure and true as their own.
She's been sick for a number of years so her death is sort of bittersweet. She's now at rest and in peace. Her faith is what kept her head on straight and helped her come to terms with her illness. I can only hope her husband finds his strength in their faith as well.
Coheed and Cambria's new album came out a few weeks ago and there is a song called "Pearl Of The Stars". The lyrics are perfect. It's basically a song of a selfless and beautiful woman that is sick. "Each night I pray to God He'll let her rest" are the opening words. I instantly thought of my Pearl. Now that she is at rest, my thoughts are with every life she has touched, including my own.
I love you Pearl. Thank you for making an impression on my life.
One of the things I loved about Pearl was her love for her husband Paul. They were married for YEARS but each time their anniversary came around, you would have thought it was their first wedding anniversary the way that she was still in puppy love with him. They celebrated each anniversary as if it was every holiday rolled into one. I can only hope that I'll find a love so pure and true as their own.
She's been sick for a number of years so her death is sort of bittersweet. She's now at rest and in peace. Her faith is what kept her head on straight and helped her come to terms with her illness. I can only hope her husband finds his strength in their faith as well.
Coheed and Cambria's new album came out a few weeks ago and there is a song called "Pearl Of The Stars". The lyrics are perfect. It's basically a song of a selfless and beautiful woman that is sick. "Each night I pray to God He'll let her rest" are the opening words. I instantly thought of my Pearl. Now that she is at rest, my thoughts are with every life she has touched, including my own.
I love you Pearl. Thank you for making an impression on my life.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Dear God,
Let me preface this post by stating that I do not intend to offend anybody or their personal religious beliefs. I am also not opening the door to discussing religion. I had music in mind when I wrote this post, not religion. With that being said, let us proceed. (LET US PROCLAIM THE MYSTERY OF FAITH....AAAAMMMEEEENNNN) Sorry. I couldn't help it.
While keeping up on my current events the other day, I came across this headline: "God 'led me directly' to girl lost in swamp, Florida rescuer says".
This struck a chord (maybe the pun was intended)because as I read this headline, this song was playing.
I turned around nonchalantly and made a comment about this and it got me thinking. The last few days I've been listening to this song frequently. I even played it during the radio show Friday night. I've also been listening to Brand New's "Jesus Christ" quite a bit. Is this purely coincidental? Maybe. But look at the ring I bought and fell in love with a few weeks ago...
.....weird.
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