"It's like a man's best party only happens when he dies......"

When the phone rings at 8 AM, you know it's not for anything good.


"Hello?"

"Hi Hita.."

"Hi Gramoo. What are you doing?"

"Oh, I was just calling to tell you Uncle Lucas called around 4 this morning. Sharon passed away."

"Ah......(long awkward pause)....well at least she's not sick anymore."

"Yeah. Bless her heart. Anyway, get back to work. Call me later."

That was it.

She wasn't a close relative. I had seen her maybe two, three times in my whole life. I heard a great deal about her but didn't spend much time with her. She lived three states away and needless to say, the Howell side of my family doesn't really hold family gatherings in high priorities, whereas the other side of my family has nervous breakdowns should one holiday go by where nobody gets together. No wonder why I'm a walking contradiction. My whole life I've been living this Romeo and Juliet life. One side of the family is the Montagues and the other the Capulets. Me being both Romeo and Juliet, just wanting to be able to love both sides without all the animosity or guilt.

As I hung up the phone with my Grandma that morning, I thought to myself that maybe I should have acted as though I was sad. The problem with that is I wasn't. I'm not. I feel for those close to her, especially my uncle and little cousin but the truth is, I'm not a good actress. I'm a strong believer in not being fake, mostly because I can't be. Maybe if I was a better actress I could have maybe shed a tear or two and said what a great person she was but that's not the case.

I'm not saying she was a horrible person. I didn't know her well enough to make that call. I spent a long and gruesome 11 days in Washington with her, my Gramoo, and my uncle. 11 days in Washington.....with a bunch of 60 year olds. The highlight of that trip was when I got stoned in the woods and walked around listening to Bruce Springsteen for hours by myself. While there, I watched my little cousin get yelled at by her grandma. What she had done is so insignificant but I remember seeing Lexi's little embarrassed face. Usually when someone gets reprimanded, especially in front of other people, you say what needs to be said and drop it. If anything further needs to be said it's done at a different time, in private. Not for this lady. She just kept going and going and going. My heart just went out to this little girl. Here was this little pre-teen who already has a fragile self esteem being berated right in front of family she's met once or twice. For some reason that just always has stuck with me and I've had a hard time with letting it go. I mean, it was none of my business but I just felt for her. Since then, Sharon has just been hard to swallow so to speak.

Almost two years ago, a friend of mine was electrocuted while fixing some power lines. I could not believe my ears when I heard the news. There had to have been a mistake. Steve was too stellar of a person to pass away at only 26 years old. He had so much to offer this world. We both liked each other but I was too scared to give him a shot. I will forever regret that. Stef and I went to his funeral and every word that was said about him was true. They let people come up and share their stories about Steve at this funeral and I wish I would have shared my story.

I worked with Steve when we were in high school as baggers at Smith's. We used to sneak back in the produce department where they kept the balloons and make announcements over the intercom after sucking helium. One day we were talking and he heard that I had never caught a fish. You should have seen the look on his face. Sure enough, that Saturday he picked me up, two fishing poles in tow and we headed for the lake. As luck would have it, right when we pulled up a rain storm came through. Instead of heading home, we sat in his truck and he taught me how to flip pennies. On the ride home I laid on his shoulder and we listened to Fuel's "Shimmer" on repeat the whole way home. My neck hurt so bad but I didn't want to move. There was so much fun and laughter that went on inside that little cab of his truck and I'll never forget that Saturday.

After his funeral I completely re-evaluated my life. What would people say at my funeral? Am I living my life to its full potential? If I died tomorrow, would the people I love know just how much I loved them? After three years of wearing a ring and no wedding planned, I knew I was in a relationship that was going nowhere so I broke that off. It was hard to do but I knew it needed to be done. I made an effort to see my family and friends more often and tell them how I felt about them. Stef and I wrote eulogies for one another. I cried doing it and cried while reading hers but I'm glad we did it. To this day I still have mine saved and read it from time to time. The summer after that I took three trips where I usually take one. It really opened my eyes to what is important.

Whether there are 10 people or a hundred people at my funeral, I hope they are all sincere in what they say about me. As morbid as it sounds, I sort of want to have a funeral for myself while I'm alive because I won't get to hear everything that is said about me once I'm gone and I'd much rather hear it now.

I have still yet to catch a fish.