Come What May

WHAT?! Two posts in one day? I mentioned to my sister earlier that I wanted her to guest blog on my blog because I feel like I haven't really had much to say. I didn't think she'd be on it like Blue Bonnet but thirty minutes later, here she is!

What up. I’m Kylee, Heather’s little sister. I have a blog kybeetigerface.blogspot.com as well, though I haven’t blogged much because I don’t have the internet. That is changing on Monday and I promise entertainment, so be sure to stop by : ) Heather asked me to do a guest blog so I started thinking about things that are significant in our lives. We always have a good time together and music has always played a significant role in our lives, so here are some random memories filled with music and good times.

When we both still lived in Price, we used to drive around in her '78 Honda Civic that we dubbed “The Pimp Mobile” and listen to Deftones. We listened to Around the Fur a lot, but Adrenaline is what really got me into them. To this day when I hear the opening riff to Bored, I get so excited. And then White Pony came out. And I swear, my world was turned upside down. That has got to be one of my favorite albums of all time. We used to drive down old Wellington road listening to Passenger and I felt so cool because I really was her passenger.

When I was in about 10th grade, we went to see Coheed and Cambria at In The Venue with UnderOATH and Three. I wish I had known UnderOATH better because I’m sure I would have enjoyed it more. But this memory is about Coheed. I remember waiting in line and feeling so excited. I ran into my buddy Zack who I hadn’t seen in a while, which pumped me up even more. I remember sitting through the opening bands and being mildly impressed with UnderOATH but I could not say the same thing about Three. We went to the back of the venue and sat on the couches, waiting for them to be over. And then Coheed came out. They were SO amazing. Claudio is pretty funny and witty, so that was nice. But the music literally pumped through me. I remember standing in the middle of the crowd and singing at the top of my lungs. “I NEED MAYO, I WON’T FAIL YOU NOW. I wish god dammit, we’ll make it if you believe” I was hooked. Another song that really sticks out to me was Blood Red Summer. We were standing towards the back at this point and I remember hearing him sing “come what may” and something in my head clicked. Come what may. Hell yes. We’re going to see them on May 10th and I could not be more excited!!

Heather and I used to go to Virgin all the time when I was in high school and just browse around. On one particular trip, there was a free CD at the registers of staff picks. Included on the cd was “Move Your Feet” by Junior Senior and I think maybe “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne. Also included was “Molly’s Chambers” by Kings of Leon. We freaking loved it. We listened to that and Move Your Feet on repeat for days! I didn’t listen to Kings of Leon much after that, but in the past few years have gotten into them. But I’ll always remember where I heard it first!

I will leave you with this little gem. This is probably one of my favorite memories of my childhood. My mom raised my sister and I with music on 24/7. Her business was run out of our house, so music was part of the atmosphere. But beyond that, at the end of the day, my mom is a music fanatic. And she had interests all across the board. From Earth Wind and Fire to Bad Company and Jodeci to Tim McGraw, we got it all. One of our absolute favorite songs was Fool in the Rain by Zeppelin. We used to turn the music up super loud and just dance around. One night in particular, I remember there being a cowboy hat involved. We were dancing and singing and having the time of our lives. All of a sudden we hear this *BOOM BOOM BOOM* knock at the door. Straight up police ghetto knock. For some reason we didn’t’ want to go to the door. So we dropped down and started army crawling through the house to try and look out the windows. About 20 minutes later, we found the culprit. The washer was too full and was banging against the wall. Haha. We felt pretty stupid, but it was a funny good time!

Thank you Kylee! I can't wait for you to start blogging again! I will just end this by expanding on her last memory. I don't have a relationship with me and Kylee's father. Not something I'm proud of but it is what it is. When we first became estranged, I wondered (among many other things) who would walk me down the isle? Who would I dance with instead of having the traditional daddy/daughter dance? Hopefully if and when I get married my Papa (grandfather) will be able to walk me down the isle and for the daddy/daughter dance? You better believe that I'll be dragging my mom and sister out on the floor to jam out to Fool in the Rain with me.

You took a roofie from a priest! Look at your life! Look at your choices!

This is the view outside my bedroom window! GRR!

With all the negatives happening around me this week (i.e-saying good bye to one of my oldest friends so she can move to Chicago, SNOW, SNOW, and MORE SNOW!!!, mandatory overtime at work, losing a friend to his silly ego and insecurity) I've decided to not focus on the bad and make a post about the highlights of this week! Go Heather!!

• My little schmoopie woops (AKA Sailor) is 100% better! So much so that I think after living his whole life in an identity crisis, he's finally figured out he's a dog! He's been in the car with me countless times. Monday I went through the drive-thru at the bank and when the teller started talking to me, Sailor FREAKED out! I was laughing so hard and trying to get him to stop barking that I couldn't even talk. The teller gave me a little treat to give him and then he proceeded to try and hide it in the crack between seat. 1) In all the times he's gone to the drive-thru with me, never once has he barked and 2) He's never tried to hide bones like a real dog. I don't know where my little Sailor went but I'm loving this new version. Here he is wiping his butt. Maybe I'm just sick but it makes me laugh every time I look at it.

• 
  
  Three little words: Sassy Gay Friend. Please watch this at least 10 times in a row. You'll thank me later. Or maybe not. I can relate because I have a few sassy gay friends. They've helped me in times of need. Like when I wanted to wear that belt but was told "Sweetie, no." Everybody needs to be told when they are being a stupid bitch. Everybody needs a sassy gay friend. Seriously.

•  While I said good-bye to one of my nearest and dearest friends Christina this week so she can start her new journey in Chicago (more on this later), I gained a new best friend. I didn't even think you could be BFFs with someone you've never met or even heard their voice but I was proved wrong. Like he told me just yesterday "You absolutely have no other choice but to love me.." and he's absolutely right. He's 1890 miles away but maybe I can talk him into taking a trip to the Salty City someday. His dream girl Zooey Deschanel is playing a free concert this summer. Maybe that's enough to get him to come out here. Fingers crossed.

• Stitchin' Bitches! For anyone who knows me, they know this is RIGHT up my alley! I LOVE anything and everything domestic. A few friends from work and I have started embroidering. Before you think of some old ladies sitting around in their rockers knitting, it's not like that at all. We have some adult beverages, great conversation, fantastic music, delicious food, and our embroidering isn't half bad! Here's my first crack at it:

I suppose that is all for now! Have a safe weekend everybody! I'm going down to the country for some star-gazing, beer drinking and pistol shooting.

'Cuz my bright is too sly to hold back all my dark

Gloomy song for a gloomy day in the Salty City. This song is pretty much amazing. Amen.

When To Shut Your Mouth

For those of you who read this blog that don't personally know me would probably never know that the whole side of my neck, part of my scalp, and a little part of my shoulder are completely red. Like red, red, pee the bed red. I have a port wine stain AKA birthmark. Thank the gods, Good Lord, Allah, Father, Son, AND the Holy Spirit that it's not on my face. The only other person in my family that has one similar is my Uncle Jerry. His is on his back and it's shaped just like South America. Jealous!

Over the course of my life I've heard countless remarks, endless (crazy) questions, and gotten many a-look. I'll just say that people are SO ignorant! I'll admit, I'm an asshole at times but I think having a red neck has really made me stop and think before I open my mouth. Here are some gems:

*An unsuspecting 12 year old: "wow, what is that on your neck?"
*His mother BEFORE I COULD EVEN ANSWER!!!: "Something that I'll kill you for if you ever come home with."

"Nice monkey bite"

"Wow, you should tell your boyfriend to go easier on you"

*Asshole: "Someone had fun last night!"
*Me: "Yeah, it's a birthmark."
*Asshole chuckling: "Right. I've heard that one before."

It is one thing to question what my birthmark is but it is quite another to call me a liar to my face, sir.

My favorite was when I was at the pool one summer. I was in the locker room getting changed to go home. A girl right around the same age as me came walking up and in all seriousness she looks at me urgently and says almost in one word sentences, "You. Have. This. HUGE red thing on your neck", while pointing to her own neck. Asshole that I am I decided to play along. I point to my neck looking all concerned. "Right here?" "Yeah" I run to the nearest mirror and start screaming, "Oh my god!" while frantically trying to wipe off the HUGE red thing on my neck. I'm pretty sure she left the locker room crying.

It usually doesn't bother me when people remark about my neck. It's usually the people that are with me at the time that get pissed, especially my mother. I actually will make a joke about my red neck if I'm in front of a group of people or even just a newer person if nobody has said anything or asked about it just to break the ice and prevent anyone from feeling like a jack ass by asking or remarking.

But when is enough enough? I have a friend that I've been hanging out with for a couple of months now. He's a super cool dude, very funny, nice, out-going, all the good stuff. One night we were talking and he was telling me about how his best girl friends think "I'm so cute, funny, awesome, blah, blah, blah. Oh and Lisa is an aesthetician so if you want to get your birthmark lightened...." "Wait, WHAT?! Did you really just say that?" Silence. Never once had my birthmark been brought up. I've never stated that I wanted it lightened, didn't like it, liked it, ANYTHING. How are you going to go and say something like that out of the blue? I'm not one for confrontation so whatever, I let it go. But honestly, how am I supposed to take that?

The point of this post is not so you can tell me how beautiful I am or stroke my ego in any way. I'm merely writing it as to say 'hey, think twice before you just go ask some lady if she's pregnant.' Dude, there's a chance she might just be fat ok? And she's probably uber insecure about it. Or maybe just smile at the person who's face is mostly burned. Smile at them like they look like just another average joe. They can see the shock in your face. Or the next time you pass someone while walking with a friend, wait before hitting their arm to say, "Holy shit, did you see that girls neck?!" Yeah. I CAN HEAR YOU!

Here's some of my fave songs with birthmark in them. Ha.

He's back on the market!

<----What is sexier than this? If you would've asked me circa 1994, the answer would have been nothing!

I've always been boy crazy. I started calling boys my boyfriend at the age of three. It wasn't until about 6th grade when I actually started really noticing boys. I developed my first celebrity crush. While most girls were swooning over Luke Perry, Brandon Lee, and Johnny Depp, I was drooling over Jim Carrey. JIM CARREY! Really Heather? Never mind the fact that he's older than both my parents and has a daughter my sisters age.

I think it was his ability to make me laugh. Even now, if I'm on a date or something and I laugh (not nervously or just to be nice but a genuine laugh) I make a mental note in my head that this one's got potential! I became obsessed. I would stay up super late to watch old re-runs of "In Living Colour" on FX and I can't even begin to tell you how many times my sister and I watched "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective". I'm pretty sure the VHS is still sitting on my bookshelf in the living room.

I remember in the midst of my obsession, we had most of my whole family at dinner one night. I'm talking grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, probably a good 20 of us. Something came over me and I started clinking my glass with my butter knife to get every body's attention. All of a sudden I was standing up in the middle of the restaurant doing my best impression of Fire Marshall Bill. That's when I realized I had balls. Ha!

Thanks Jim!

PS- I may or may not follow him on Twitter....old habits die hard.

Typical Night

I'm sitting here watching my bird feeder blow in the slight breeze. Think to myself how I need to get a cuter bird feeder. And some feeder for the birds. My thoughts drift to a friend I've never met. I wonder what we would talk about sitting here together. Probably something amazing. He's helped me just like a friend in the flesh. Almost as if he's held me while I have cried myself to sleep. Sad that I am missing the show tonight. Would've done wonders for my soul. Think of the boots en route via the US Postal Service that prevented me going to said show. Hm...two hours of soul revival or countless hours of rocking it in those boots feeling sexy? Sadness about missing the show gone. Excitement for the boots. Jesus I've become that girl. The girl that gets excited about shoes. Have I become my mother? No. She would buy the boots without scouring the Internet for an amazing deal and be excited about them but never go out in them. She sits home and drinks beer. Holy shit, I'm sitting home drinking beer. I HAVE become my mother. I've gotta go. Grab my cardigan, my I-pod, and keys. Where am I going? Lucky 13. People know me there. I go. People hug me. Call me by name. Know what I'm drinking. I feel better. Go home. Listen to "Salvation" by Citizen. The show I missed tonight. Question "what the fuck?" Realize I'm still sad about missing the show. Fuck the boots. At least I spent an awesome night with Stef who will never let me down. I'm trying to convince her into picking just one thing out of Williams Sonoma (next to impossible) so that I can surprise her with it.
She won't because she knows my motives. I realize that I love my life.



**UPDATE- According to UPS.com my boots arrived in SLC at 2:30 AM today. Butterflies.

Ramblings of a delirious girl

Let me just preface by saying I apologize for any type-os or anything you may or may not understand. I'm sleep deprived and stressed out. My little baby baloobie AKA Sailor is sick. So sick in fact, he kept me up most of last night. I literally just laid by him and cried last night because I'm so sad that he was in such pain and so scared because I feel helpless. Now that he has drugs in him, this is the scene:



All he does is sleep. And wag his tail. He wags his tail in his sleep. Creepy yet adorable. I'm waiting to hear back on his blood/stool tests. I should hear tomorrow. I can't help but think the worst. He's 6. He's been SO healthy the whole time I've had him. What if it's something serious? This happened back in January too but it wasn't this bad.

If something serious is wrong I don't know how I will handle it. I feel like everything I've known and felt like has been my rock is changing. Sailor is sick, I haven't seen H in SO long since he's working in Vegas, C is moving to Chicago on May 1st, I've lost my BFF to life. I'm an Aquarian. I like change but this, it's all a bit much!!

I've always felt so lucky to have people there when I just need someone there. Not even for anything just simply to answer my call or call me when I'm feeling extra lonely. I feel like I've lost that. I've been reaching out for the last couple of weeks but it seems like everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives that it's like I'm non-existent. I feel like everywhere I turn it's a dead end. I understand. Everyone has lives. But what happens when C moves? What happens when C gets married? What happens if something horrible happens to Sailor? Where do I turn?

Has anyone else felt this way or am I just being a baby?

On a side note, I cannot stop listening to this song. I can't WAIT to see them May 10th. Pretty sure it'll be epic.


"I'd give you everything if only I'd known you'd take it, but you don't, cause you're you. That's why I'll always love you."

Also, this song is amazing.



I think I just found my answer. I always have music to turn to. Always.

Whatever (I Had A Dream)

"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be openly and safely insane every night of our lives" -William C. Dement



I have some pretty vivid dreams. I should probably start writing them down and interpreting them. The other night I had a dream about frogs and I was so disgusted when I first woke up. The more I thought about my dream the more I wanted to see the significance of frogs.

I dreamt that I moved down to the dirty south. I'm not exactly sure where. All I knew was that it was hot and swampy. I had this cute little white bungalow that was exactly like my apartment I'm in now. I had just moved in so there were boxes everywhere. As I was unpacking I saw a light green frog. It sort of freaked me out but I knew it was something I'd have to deal with since I lived near a swamp.

I just kept unpacking, not worrying about the little frog I saw. I figured I'd get him later and put him outside. I started looking around and there were all these ceramic frogs everywhere....or so I thought they were ceramic. All of a sudden, tons of frogs, different shapes and sizes started jumping out at me! I ran straight for the door and into the yard. As I was running away I suddenly stopped. I turned to face the frogs and watched them as they jumped towards me. That's when I woke up.

In looking around and reading the different interpretations of frogs in dreams, I came to the conclusion that in my dream, they represented positive change. Maybe I was running away from change but something inside of me made me stop, turn around and face the frogs (change) coming at me.

Here's to positive changes. Ribbit.

Daddy Issues

Ever wonder why most girls ages 20-35 have daddy issues? I had an epiphany today. Listening to some of the music in the 80's is bound to mess you up in one way or another.

I LOVE both of these songs. Bruce and George are dreamy but some of the lyrics in these songs are creeptastic.



"Hey Little Girl, is your daddy home?" Rapies!! This video is classic though. Bruce, will you marry me? I know you are in the midst of an affair scandal but who cares!?



Don't sing about being naked by my side and then in the next sentence say you will be my father figure. It just isn't right. Then again, neither is effing in rest stop bathrooms, hm?! You are a millionaire, George! Get a room!

On a positive note, don't you wish music videos were still this awesome?!

Springtime in Utah...

....can SUCK it! I woke up to snow AGAIN. To try and forget about this depressing fact, I have been listening to this song on repeat.

I'm imagining dancing barefoot with my love in some hidden cantina in a far away, warm island, happily drunk off of rum and love. I keep throwing my head back in laughter as he playfully sings the words into my ear and neck and pulls me closer. I will be someones Fire Girl someday and this makes me happy. Suddenly I forget about the snow and feel the sunburn on my shoulders. Ahhhhhh.

Stop Me Now, I'm Not Ready

I find myself laying in his arms while resisting the urge to let the “I love you” that is dancing behind my lips escape. So much sadness, love, hurt, violence, and desperation is erased by this one moment. I wonder if he's fighting the same battle. His arms are what I’ve missed for so long and yet they feel somehow different. Not better, not worse. Just different. What would be the outcome or effect of those three tiny words that mean so much being said? Rejection? Reciprocation? I know they can’t be said because if they were repeated back, it would be a lie to me and to himself. I know where he is as I’ve been there too. It’s a dark and desolate place. So scary. I wonder if he’s strong enough to handle it alone. I wonder where he’ll end up once he reaches the light at the end of the tunnel. I wonder where I’ll be when I reach the end of mine. Will we be facing each other once our eyes adjust? Maybe. Maybe not. We’ve both evolved as people as we’ve been apart but would we fall back into what failed so many times before? I know that I need to bow out gracefully and let fate take over because what once ripped us apart is now bringing us back together; the simple phrase of “everything happens for a reason.”

Am I strong enough? I find myself sleeping with his hoodie for comfort. I get excited when I hear from him, depressed when I don’t. All I want to do is nestle my nose between his shoulder and jaw and breathe him in. I tell him how I hate his new cologne but somehow the scent has been burned into my nostrils, forcing me to breathe him. It’s all I can smell. My reality is now a snow globe of thoughts and emotions that has been violently shaken. I’m trying desperately to see what’s outside of that globe but all the glitter and snow is clouding the view. My heart literally hurts but I’m not sure if it’s from anxiety. It seems as if my needs and wants are now being mistaken for one another. I need to be responsible with my heart. I want to be reckless and fall in love. I need to step aside and let him figure himself out. I want to stand beside him and show him the person I see him for. I need to believe in myself. I want to believe in him. Nothing is clear.

I am impressed with myself in ways. I listen to him talk about his love for her. I listen to him talk about his rage for her. I don’t get jealous. I see their apartment and I can’t believe this is the man I once shared everything with. Nothing in this place reflects him and who he was to me. It’s all tucked away and I only get glimpses from the swift opening and closing of closets. There are two bedrooms but instead of one being for his daughter, it’s filled with photography equipment. I begin to see priorities and it starts making sense. When it comes to him, there are no priorities. She is selfish and jealous. Hateful and evil. Damned by her own insecurities to never be happy or make anyone happy. Their love is a lie and instead of feeling happy for myself, I feel sad for him. He deserves love. She deserves love. They don’t deserve each other.

I was once selfish, jealous, hateful and insecure. Was I her in our own relationship? Did I not give him the love he deserved? I think about all that I gave and what seemed like sacrifices to me to the relationship. It wasn’t enough. No matter how hard we each tried desperately to hold on to a future together, it didn’t work. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t my fault. We just weren’t ready. Neither of us knew who we were without each other. Codependency is scary. So is independence. I’m a walking contradiction. I am not ready.

Bi-Polar Utah

I just wanted to show you how bi-polar Utah is.

I took this photo as I was leaving for work at exactly 7:37 am.



I took this as I got home from work at exactly 6:36 pm the same day.



I thought I had problems.

For a new found friend across the country....

These songs are arguably in my top ten faves. It's always hard to break it down to ten favorites. In fact, I'm not sure that I've even done that. Anyway, as promised Josh, here are a few of my favorites.



I listened to these guys while getting my arm tattoo. I was only 21 years old, in San Diego, laying on the tattoo table and on top of the world.



This song reminds me of my little sister Kylee. I want to take a trip with just her and I to San Diego (what's with me and San Diego) and sit on the beach next to her listening to this song "while the waves kiss our feet".



I LOVE this song. It's so romantic and relaxing....and short! This is As Tall As Lions and the song is called "505". Funny enough, I found a video with it playing to one of my favorite movies! Score.

Others included in my top ten would have to be "Through The Floor" by Edwin McCain, "Crash(Into Me)" by DMB, "Cable Car(Over My Head") by The Fray, "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers...How much time do we have?

Drowning

The flood gates have opened. This dam I've built has finally caved in. Not completely but the emotions are being shaken up and spilling over. I'm just waiting until it all just busts and runs down stream. Where will it all wash up?

How does this always happen? I was sure that this time of rejecting each other and shutting each other out was forever. Is it the time of the year? Is it that we are destined to be in each others lives? And if so, in what way? We aren't exactly good at being just friends. I think seeing each other with someone else would do nothing but cause jealousy and anger. Or maybe not now that time has gone by and we've essentially moved on. Any time spent alone though usually ends up terribly inappropriate and we know it. We both risk hurting each other and anyone else who happens to be involved in our lives each time we hang out.

The whole thing is a double edged sword. It hurts to be out of his life because he was such a big part of mine for so long and I truly miss my friend when he's gone. But when he is in my life, it hurts knowing that we are best friends but horrible significant others for each other. How does that happen? Isn't your significant other supposed to be your best friend?

I know us being together is out of the question for so many reasons. I'm sure his family isn't huge fans of me and my family doesn't really care for him either. Our friends would freak if we attempted being together AGAIN. And to be honest, we are both on totally different levels in life. I grew up way too fast given the circumstances life dealt me and he's still a 30-year old child. He's never had to be held accountable for anything. And I mean anything. I honestly don't think he even knows what he wants out of life and who he wants to be. There has always been someone there in his life to prevent any loneliness, bail him out of sticky situations, and basically shelter him. Until now.

My heart hurts for him. I wish I could hold his hand and make everything better for him but I can't. This is something he's got to deal with on his own and face what is in front of him. I can imagine this is what a mother feels like when having to sit back out of tough love and watch her child struggle because she knows it will make them a better human being. I'm so sad at knowing what the next few years will have in store for him because I went through it all once too.

Where is that line of being his friend and supporting him and letting him figure it out on his own and grow up? I'm afraid I'll drown trying to keep him afloat.