Stop Me Now, I'm Not Ready

I find myself laying in his arms while resisting the urge to let the “I love you” that is dancing behind my lips escape. So much sadness, love, hurt, violence, and desperation is erased by this one moment. I wonder if he's fighting the same battle. His arms are what I’ve missed for so long and yet they feel somehow different. Not better, not worse. Just different. What would be the outcome or effect of those three tiny words that mean so much being said? Rejection? Reciprocation? I know they can’t be said because if they were repeated back, it would be a lie to me and to himself. I know where he is as I’ve been there too. It’s a dark and desolate place. So scary. I wonder if he’s strong enough to handle it alone. I wonder where he’ll end up once he reaches the light at the end of the tunnel. I wonder where I’ll be when I reach the end of mine. Will we be facing each other once our eyes adjust? Maybe. Maybe not. We’ve both evolved as people as we’ve been apart but would we fall back into what failed so many times before? I know that I need to bow out gracefully and let fate take over because what once ripped us apart is now bringing us back together; the simple phrase of “everything happens for a reason.”

Am I strong enough? I find myself sleeping with his hoodie for comfort. I get excited when I hear from him, depressed when I don’t. All I want to do is nestle my nose between his shoulder and jaw and breathe him in. I tell him how I hate his new cologne but somehow the scent has been burned into my nostrils, forcing me to breathe him. It’s all I can smell. My reality is now a snow globe of thoughts and emotions that has been violently shaken. I’m trying desperately to see what’s outside of that globe but all the glitter and snow is clouding the view. My heart literally hurts but I’m not sure if it’s from anxiety. It seems as if my needs and wants are now being mistaken for one another. I need to be responsible with my heart. I want to be reckless and fall in love. I need to step aside and let him figure himself out. I want to stand beside him and show him the person I see him for. I need to believe in myself. I want to believe in him. Nothing is clear.

I am impressed with myself in ways. I listen to him talk about his love for her. I listen to him talk about his rage for her. I don’t get jealous. I see their apartment and I can’t believe this is the man I once shared everything with. Nothing in this place reflects him and who he was to me. It’s all tucked away and I only get glimpses from the swift opening and closing of closets. There are two bedrooms but instead of one being for his daughter, it’s filled with photography equipment. I begin to see priorities and it starts making sense. When it comes to him, there are no priorities. She is selfish and jealous. Hateful and evil. Damned by her own insecurities to never be happy or make anyone happy. Their love is a lie and instead of feeling happy for myself, I feel sad for him. He deserves love. She deserves love. They don’t deserve each other.

I was once selfish, jealous, hateful and insecure. Was I her in our own relationship? Did I not give him the love he deserved? I think about all that I gave and what seemed like sacrifices to me to the relationship. It wasn’t enough. No matter how hard we each tried desperately to hold on to a future together, it didn’t work. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t my fault. We just weren’t ready. Neither of us knew who we were without each other. Codependency is scary. So is independence. I’m a walking contradiction. I am not ready.