Drowning

The flood gates have opened. This dam I've built has finally caved in. Not completely but the emotions are being shaken up and spilling over. I'm just waiting until it all just busts and runs down stream. Where will it all wash up?

How does this always happen? I was sure that this time of rejecting each other and shutting each other out was forever. Is it the time of the year? Is it that we are destined to be in each others lives? And if so, in what way? We aren't exactly good at being just friends. I think seeing each other with someone else would do nothing but cause jealousy and anger. Or maybe not now that time has gone by and we've essentially moved on. Any time spent alone though usually ends up terribly inappropriate and we know it. We both risk hurting each other and anyone else who happens to be involved in our lives each time we hang out.

The whole thing is a double edged sword. It hurts to be out of his life because he was such a big part of mine for so long and I truly miss my friend when he's gone. But when he is in my life, it hurts knowing that we are best friends but horrible significant others for each other. How does that happen? Isn't your significant other supposed to be your best friend?

I know us being together is out of the question for so many reasons. I'm sure his family isn't huge fans of me and my family doesn't really care for him either. Our friends would freak if we attempted being together AGAIN. And to be honest, we are both on totally different levels in life. I grew up way too fast given the circumstances life dealt me and he's still a 30-year old child. He's never had to be held accountable for anything. And I mean anything. I honestly don't think he even knows what he wants out of life and who he wants to be. There has always been someone there in his life to prevent any loneliness, bail him out of sticky situations, and basically shelter him. Until now.

My heart hurts for him. I wish I could hold his hand and make everything better for him but I can't. This is something he's got to deal with on his own and face what is in front of him. I can imagine this is what a mother feels like when having to sit back out of tough love and watch her child struggle because she knows it will make them a better human being. I'm so sad at knowing what the next few years will have in store for him because I went through it all once too.

Where is that line of being his friend and supporting him and letting him figure it out on his own and grow up? I'm afraid I'll drown trying to keep him afloat.