When To Shut Your Mouth

For those of you who read this blog that don't personally know me would probably never know that the whole side of my neck, part of my scalp, and a little part of my shoulder are completely red. Like red, red, pee the bed red. I have a port wine stain AKA birthmark. Thank the gods, Good Lord, Allah, Father, Son, AND the Holy Spirit that it's not on my face. The only other person in my family that has one similar is my Uncle Jerry. His is on his back and it's shaped just like South America. Jealous!

Over the course of my life I've heard countless remarks, endless (crazy) questions, and gotten many a-look. I'll just say that people are SO ignorant! I'll admit, I'm an asshole at times but I think having a red neck has really made me stop and think before I open my mouth. Here are some gems:

*An unsuspecting 12 year old: "wow, what is that on your neck?"
*His mother BEFORE I COULD EVEN ANSWER!!!: "Something that I'll kill you for if you ever come home with."

"Nice monkey bite"

"Wow, you should tell your boyfriend to go easier on you"

*Asshole: "Someone had fun last night!"
*Me: "Yeah, it's a birthmark."
*Asshole chuckling: "Right. I've heard that one before."

It is one thing to question what my birthmark is but it is quite another to call me a liar to my face, sir.

My favorite was when I was at the pool one summer. I was in the locker room getting changed to go home. A girl right around the same age as me came walking up and in all seriousness she looks at me urgently and says almost in one word sentences, "You. Have. This. HUGE red thing on your neck", while pointing to her own neck. Asshole that I am I decided to play along. I point to my neck looking all concerned. "Right here?" "Yeah" I run to the nearest mirror and start screaming, "Oh my god!" while frantically trying to wipe off the HUGE red thing on my neck. I'm pretty sure she left the locker room crying.

It usually doesn't bother me when people remark about my neck. It's usually the people that are with me at the time that get pissed, especially my mother. I actually will make a joke about my red neck if I'm in front of a group of people or even just a newer person if nobody has said anything or asked about it just to break the ice and prevent anyone from feeling like a jack ass by asking or remarking.

But when is enough enough? I have a friend that I've been hanging out with for a couple of months now. He's a super cool dude, very funny, nice, out-going, all the good stuff. One night we were talking and he was telling me about how his best girl friends think "I'm so cute, funny, awesome, blah, blah, blah. Oh and Lisa is an aesthetician so if you want to get your birthmark lightened...." "Wait, WHAT?! Did you really just say that?" Silence. Never once had my birthmark been brought up. I've never stated that I wanted it lightened, didn't like it, liked it, ANYTHING. How are you going to go and say something like that out of the blue? I'm not one for confrontation so whatever, I let it go. But honestly, how am I supposed to take that?

The point of this post is not so you can tell me how beautiful I am or stroke my ego in any way. I'm merely writing it as to say 'hey, think twice before you just go ask some lady if she's pregnant.' Dude, there's a chance she might just be fat ok? And she's probably uber insecure about it. Or maybe just smile at the person who's face is mostly burned. Smile at them like they look like just another average joe. They can see the shock in your face. Or the next time you pass someone while walking with a friend, wait before hitting their arm to say, "Holy shit, did you see that girls neck?!" Yeah. I CAN HEAR YOU!

Here's some of my fave songs with birthmark in them. Ha.